"We are going to monitor you for 3 months - if till then, the medication works, it is fine, else we go in for laproscopy!!!"
She listened, slightly dazed, slightly indignant, a lot concerned and scared and hoping fervently that the medication works...so that she could become pregnant....
As they walked out of the clinic with the prescribed 'medication' and the outlined dates for the scans (something which had already started to make her feel very humiliated and irritated), her husband started the car and commented, "Listen, I don't want a kid!"
"What? Why didn't you tell me earlier..."
"I never knew it was going to bring you so much trouble, pain...let's jsut forget it...we are happy as we are."
"Let's just see what happens...I am not willing to go for the operation darling...so we'll see these 3 months."
End of 1st month:
"Well, the progress is not very promising, so next month, we'll go for injected stimulants rather than the oral medication."
She glanced at her husband and found him giving an imperceptible shake of head. As they walked out, he said, taking care to look at the traffic around, "You still think this is necessary?"
"My friends are moms already...my parents are after us...an injection is all it is..."
"First it will be the injection....then the operation....I don't want to lose you...and I don't wnat a kid by hurting you so much."
It hurt....not his comments...but the sharp contrast of his comments with her mother's remarks about her being a cowardly, shaky, person who only cared about her well-being and she was sure, if she ever mentioned this dialogue what her husband said to her mom, the typical reply will be ,"Tell him not to comment on things that he does not understand...these things are necessary
to get a child...you are just a cry-baby..."
Beginning of second month
"Can we think of a shot on your 9th day? Let's check...if everything goes on as expected, then it is fine, else we can think of it..." The doctor was straightforward, compassionate, crisp and oozed confidence and understanding....she felt good talking to her...
On the 8th day night, she wished everythign was fine....9th day however did not being anything path breaking...
The doctor who scanned her, wrapped up in 5 min, as usual, and then they said she could go in for an HSG. As she held out her credit card to pay for the procedure, the doctor esplained that she would be given two injections, mainly campose and some other checmical, then a dye is to be injected into her cervix at high velocity which would open her tubes, the procedure will be 'slightly' painful and she will get pain killers later.
She was dazed, and her hands trembled as she held her medical file and the bill. As they walked to the lift for the 4th floor for the X-ray, she could see that he was agitated. "Do you need to do this? So now you are ready for the injection? Damn!!! This is too bad, I can't see this happening to you."
She tried to steady him. "This is just another diagnosis, not the actual injection which she talked about last month..."
"I think you should leave, aise bhi, they told me that I need to sleep for an hour or so so that the dosage of campose wears off...no use you staying. I'll call you once I am awake and all....if you are free then, will you come to meet me?"
It was a painful 1.5 to 2 hours - the two injections and chemical inserted just set the stage for more, and when that came, nothing could hold her back from screaming...it was so painful, especially to almsot dangle from the end of a table and the dye being pumped in and the shot of pain it filled her abdomen with....
"Oh no....please...save me..."
"Are you feeling pain?"
"Lots pain...lots...can you support my foot....can't we stop this...I don't want a baby...just let me go"
She apologized to teh doctor later for screaming and she said it does not matter, she will be fine later...gave her some coffee.
As she left the clinic to meet her husband, she was relieved,at least that painful procedure was now out of the way...but what if the next one is more?
She remembered one of her newly-parent male-friend commenting, "You know having a child is such a joy, it makes everything worth it" (Does your wife think so too?)
She said, "well, is it worth hurting or damaging yourself - your self esteem and your body?"
He said, "You are trying to live in the future and forgetting the present"
"Really? I rather feel that I am thinking of the present - that is my hubby and I, my relationship and my health...and thinking if I can ignore the uncertain future - i.e. whether I can have a baby or not, and even if I do, how will he/she turn out?"
He was too high on his recently acquired parenthood to notice these remarks...and she inwardly thanked her stars that she married someone different and much better when it came to being a good husband.
How will she know whether she should stop here and let life take its course?
How much pain, trouble, medicines, injections, operations are enough?
How does one decide the trade-off - society vs personal choice?
How does one know one will not be held guilty for not trying 'enough'?
How much is 'enough'?
When will all these change and when will acceptance set in?