The coping chronicles - Part 1

So tired.

I am so tired.

Not tired as in 'tired of telling you this a million times'. Or tired as in bored. But tired as in exhausted.
Exhausted so much physically, mentally and emotionally that I could probably sleep for a day and yet wake up exhausted.

Exhausted because this takes up so much of my energy, my time and my mind that it stops me from doing anything else, and it takes a lot of my effort to keep this out of my mind. And mind is just one part of the story, the other parts being my body that needs to remain ready for flight any time, needs to be up late nights to make sure my child is safe and needs to work extra hours to make up for the time lost in covering for him when he is out of commission.

Sometimes I wish I could get lost. Then I remember the way my daughter needs me, wants me around, the way she is scared and runs to hug me, and I know that I am all that she knows right now, all that she depends on and trusts right now, and I start fill stifled when I think how she must feel if I go away, if she never sees me again in this world where she does not want to be with anyone else.

Tired, just tired. Tired enough to not want to think any more, to move any more, to do anything any more.