The Coping chronicles - Part III

Don't let your smile show....

Today I think I can be free - not free of the situation but free from fear.

Today I can live, read a book, really be happy when I laugh with my daughter and cook without an eye on the garage door.

Today I think there is a plan in my life, I will stick to it when the time comes for it.

I can do it.

Yes, yes, yes!

So, can I start planning my other weekends - for e.g. plan regular yoga classes on weekends or maybe a dance class? Or get involved in some volunteer work that needs commitment?

Wait...this is a bad sign.

This means things will go wrong.

Really really wrong.

I do not really have control of the situation, I am just dreaming it.

It does not depend on me, it depends on him getting home being all fine.

And the fact that I am happy means there will be consequences - there always are. Something will go wrong...terribly.

Does that all sound psychotic? Crazy?

That is how the mind works.

Do not be too happy, it will lead to sadness.

Do not know what is better 

- that time when I told everyone "Hey, I am lucky, things always fall in place...yes, that was difficult, but everything happens for a reason."

OR

- this time when I think that if for a second I forget about my situation and think everything is fine, then life will strike back.

Sometimes I think that everyone must have known that I could not remain happy for so long, so this happened. Then I think, hey things were bad then too, it is just that I was hopeful that it was temporary. Now I realize things for what they are.

Yeah great, now I am matured.

And how does that help?

Is ignorance and denial bliss?

Or are they fatal?

Then I know that it does not matter what they are. Because that was in the past. And what it is, is now. Yes, it could have been different. But for better or worse, we do not know.

So, optimism might not be good, because it is in the future. Hoping, dreaming...the only good that can come of it is maybe it will relax the mind. 

But being happy, just now, is so imperative. Else, I will lose the moment forever.

Those moments of her laughter, her naughty baiting to see if I approve, her need for my company.

Let me live...be happy...for 30 min...5 min.

Because when the tides turn, I have to ride them, like it or not.

So, let me feel the same inevitability in the face of happiness.