I think, so I am

Of dim lights and evenings in the big house in the narrow lane in Kolkata

2010-08-16T23:09:00.000-07:00

As I sat on my bed, tapping on the keys of my laptop, I felt that the light was a bit too dim. Dim lights and US seemed like a rare combination till I realized that it was because of the general tendency to keep bedrooms dimly lit, sometimes with no ceiling lights at all and just lamps. Lamps have always meant romantic for me, but that was when I associated them with well kept hotel rooms, not with a room where I wanted to do my work. And today, this dim light, reminded me of low voltage, load-shedding and loosely plastered walls.

I am talking about my Dadu (grandpa)’s place. The house was old, is still old, probably a hundred years old, as it had been built by my mother’s grandpa. Even now, it is a grand house to look at, once you walk through the extremely narrow lanes wide enough to just allow a rickshaw to pass through, and then stop and turn right (or left, depending on which direction you are coming from) and catch a glimpse of it marking the end of another, slightly wider, but extremely short, lane with a dead end. Standing at the entry of that short lane, the house looks like a backdrop of a stage, with the other smaller houses leading up to it. The verandah would usually have clothes hanging to dry from the lines. The verandahs of other houses are so closely squeezed with each other that someone, who had a steady head and did not mind heights, can jump or simply walk to another, like a skywalk. These closely-build houses are akin to kids sitting knee to knee with each other and usually neighbors knew when the children in one house were being asked to come down for dinner, or when someone was practicing or receiving her singing lessons or being tutored in History, and of course, which house had which channel on. No, sorry, that was wrong. I am taking myself back to a time when there was only one channel on the TV, and when I would strain my ears to catch the Chitrahaar on someone else’s TV because it was banned for me at my place. Sometimes, I would lean over on the side of my balcony, and catch a glimpse of the oil lamp in my neighbor’s house who had electric connection in only one room, and the children had to study by the light of a oil lamp. Their rhythmic repetition of lines in a subject would add to the background music of radio news, television songs and my grandma’s evening prayers.

Evening, never morning. Evening, because it was in the evening that every sound seemed to be more prominent, maybe because they were not lost in the perennial cawing of the crow or the vendors shouting out the rates of fish as they rode past on their bicycles and neighbors calling out to each other from their own balconies.

Also evening, because evening makes me sad, nostalgic and reminds me that the day is over, and I am getting old. In that house in Kolkata, it reminds me of people long gone, of perpetual melancholy underlined by low-voltage lights. It also reminds me of the smell of rotis being roasted on earthen ovens and the sound of my grandma’s heavy aluminum ‘Khunti’ (long flat spoon) on the tawa as it turned the unroasted wheat rotis over and over, so that each one was roasted evenly. I can almost smell the curry that we would have with it – usually aloo-potol dalna(potato and parwal curry), the gravy smelling of ginger and cumin and having a slight tangy taste due to the potol. I would wait for the rotis folded at one side of the plate and the slightly thick gravy and vegetables on the other side, and feel the ginger warming my throat as I ate.

But before that, I would be sitting with my book, trying to complete studying those pages as determined by Maa and would soon get distracted by my shadow on the wall. I would listen to the bells from the temples and sound of the evening Araati, and get the breeze on the face from the balcony, cooled by the wet saree and ‘gamcha’ (thin cotton towel) hanging on the clothesline, left by Maa and Dida (grandma) after their evening shower. The air would smell of incense, curries and smoke. Sometimes I will see a small hole in the wall, and will try making it larger, marveling at how easily the outer plaster broke, but I would be very careful not to create a mess on the floor but gather the pieces and powdery plaster and throw them away when no one was looking.

The house is still there, but yes, the people are no longer there. Some are no longer in this world, and some, even if they do come back to it, no longer add to the character of the house. The neighbors’ children are grown up, some stay there still and some have moved, but every house now has electricity and off course, a variety of TV channels. The sounds are different now, and maybe one of those children would remember them and a decade or two later, mention how different things are.

Rajneeti: Predictable but engrossing

2010-06-16T22:33:00.000-07:00

...along with strong characters, fertile women, large dialogues and extremely bloody violence.

There are movies, and I have seen many over the last couple of years, in which one needs to hold ones breathe to wait for the better scenes to come by, or 'indulge' some parts of the movie either because one hopes the other parts are better or one has read rave reviews of the movie. Then there are some other movies where we have been asked to leave our brains at home. While I occasionally do enjoy those movies, sometimes they become so mindless that the head hurts.
Fortunately, Rajneeti does not fall under any of the above. The storyline, though predictable due to it being adopted from Mahabharata, is still engrossing. Add to that some 'karara' dialogues and strong characters, and it was a great watch for close to three hours.

However, a movie which truly reflects a lot of research put together also throws up some glitches, and I wish they did not exist and we could have had a 'perfect' movie.

1. Naseeruddin Shah: What was he doing in the movie? And how believable is it, even for a young girl, who hero-worships him, to actually have one-night stand (for want of a better word) with him? Given that the total screen time was all of 10 minutes or less, anyone, slightly younger and a little more attractive, could have done a better job, seriously!

2. Character building: For a movie which rested on larger-than-life characters and grand dialogues, the characters were oddly one-dimensional. For e.g. it is not clear whether Ajay Devgan's character was only evil or if he had some goodness in him. He has been under-utilized and though in some scenes he lets his expressions speak volumes, for e.g. in the scene where he is introduced to the party cabinet as the new member, he does not really have much to do in the movie. Ranbir Kapoor's character is an utter confusion, or maybe I am getting this wrong - he is restrained, but much too restrained. Given his character's decisions and actions in the movie, I am not sure whether he really had any emotions for anyone. On the other hand, Arjun Rampal's character had a lot more shades, and whether it was due to his acting or the way the scenes came up, he comes across as a slightly disbalanced character - swinging between extreme emotions of tender love and violent hatred. And the mother's character - if the wooden face was to symbolize stoical sacrifice, the mother coming to the political party office and telling Katrina that women are always sacrificed in the altar of politics or something to that effect, was so very stereotypical. And 70's.

3. Weak scenes: What was the need of the mother-meets-illegitimate-son scene? Was it only to stay true to the epic? It just seemed as if the director had thought that there would be a scene, but then did not think what the dialogues should be. Otherwise how can one explain the mother's plea to the son to come home, and in the same breath, try to 'bribe' him with the highest post in the political party?
The sexual-favors-given-for-the-party-ticket scene between Shruti Seth and Arjun Rampal was crazy. Agreed that the scene was supposed to highlight that Shruti Seth's character was giving Arjun sexual favors for a party ticket, but the way she keeps repeating it in orgasmic tones when Arjun is apparently 'getting there' is ludicrous.
The scenes between Ranbir and Katrina, especially when Ranbir comes clean about his feelings or lack of feelings for her, is badly handled, or maybe badly acted. Katrina, till that time, had been good as the girl-in-love person, but that particular scene is devoid of any strong emotions, from any side.

4. Fertile women: Ah, this was my favorite. A few days back, rediff had done a feature on how some things are not seen in Hindi movies any more. Well, of those things which have remained the same, this movie brings back the extremely fertile women who become pregnant after their first sexual encounter. Every 'good' woman in the movie - Katrina, Sarah, Ranbir's mother, were epitomes of fertile womanhood.

5. Jerky editing: Songs were not required, but if they were put in, then they need to be cut off at a logical point. This was most apparent with the 'Ishq Barse' song. Also, due to editing, I am sure, the underlying logic of planting a car-bomb was not made clear. On the face of it, it looked like the oppostion wanted to kill Ranbir's girlfriend, or any random person in their family who would go to the car. But probably, and this is just a hunch, they wanted to kill Ranbir, because he was considered more of a problem? I am sure the director did not want to leave this 'why' to be worked out by the audience.

Though the criticism that I have seem many, I genuinely liked the film, and would be happy if there are other films which can have at least the standard reached by Rajneeti. I would differ from everyone's opinion about Ranbir's acting though. He was fine, but I have seen him act better, and his character having more versatility - in Ajab Prem or Rocket Singh. Here, all that was needed of him was to smoke silently and keep his face devoid of any emotion.
It was a relief to see Nana Patekar so constrained and his breakdown in just one scene.
But my favorite was Manoj Bajpai - he rocked!
And oh, Katrina should take Hindi diction and acting classes.

The unreal life continues...

2009-04-30T12:02:00.000-07:00

(An emotional retrospective of first year at Duke MBA on a flight just after the last exam)
Warning: Uncharacteristically long post ahead

I take a walk from the school to the parking lot, happy to hallucinate being here forever.
Being here, living the life that I have loaned from myself, to live that dream which I had nurtured over the last decade.
It still seems like a dream worth living.
And what a fabulous dream-come-true life this has been:

Downing liters of refillable coffee. Staying up nights, so much so, that midnight seems to be early, or else getting up earlier than an 8AM class to complete assignments.

Being so busy that you feel guilty when you are relaxing.

Preparing before classes so as to survive that ‘cold call’, so that not only the Prof, but also the classmates do not think that you are stupid. And also to get those elusive marks allotted for class participation. And then, even after being comfortable in your class, preparing it because it is a habit.
Then, preparing, simply because you love the subject. Or the girl/guy who sits next to you. Or you have a crush on the professor. Inane reasons? The result is the same. Not sure when one reason gives way to another.

Learning to agree and disagree more than ever before. Learning to be surprised at self for agreeing or disagreeing when you had decided the opposite.
Dissecting real cases, recommending unreal solutions, unreal because they seem so simple that it is surprising no one thought about them, and that brings in that doubt as to whether they will work in the real world. Come to think of about it, maybe having an outsiders point of view helps you take those detached decisions, which you cannot take if you are in the company itself.

Learning the hows of the American life, spiced with accents from around the world, and customs so varied that they usually are contradictory. Learning to laugh at the quirks of your culture, and the essence that you carry within yourself…all over again.

Tackling rejections from employers, club cabinets, leadership positions…all the time…well, simply because everyone here is good, too damn good.
And then, unlike in undergrad, trying to cope with everything on your own, knowing that probably half the people, if not more, are going through the same thing, so maybe you should not disturb them. The other half, well, they might be too busy, or too successful, or too something to bother. So, you are on your own, pretty much.
And so there are support groups, sometimes, counselors, sometimes, some more cups of tea and endless talks which usually skirts around the issue, trying not to discuss it. More indirectness, a little more stress, higher stakes, more depth and intensity, because there are probably very few raw emotions, every emotion is tasted, rolled over, chewed and then lived.
And yet, getting surprised, when something inanely emotional and overtly sentimental finds tears stealing up your eyes.

A few impulsive decisions, not many. And those sometimes seem to be the best that is ever taken.
Getting family, friends, pets trained to the fact that you are pretty much gone unsocial – not only because you are busy, but also sometimes, you do not want to share what is on your mind and some phone calls might just make you do that, so you intelligently avoid making those calls. Going from writing long mails describing student life in the beginning….to updating Facebook status regularly, simply to feel connected to “fellow suffering souls”.

Going from loneliness, to learning to stay alone, and then suddenly realizing that you are not alone.

Realizing that narcissism and image building are two different things – one does not naturally lead to another.

Not realizing when ‘I don’t know what I want to do’ became ‘This is interesting’ and then ‘I would really love to, but will it work?’ One more year left to know, or maybe just to be comfortable that you would never know, but would not be afraid to find out and do everything all over again.

And finally….driving a red beetle…sometimes on a rain-swept road, sometimes on a road bordered with azaleas, sometimes through dark nights, and almost always reveling in the realization that I am moving, am going places…albeit literally.

It’s been every bit an adventure that I had dreamt about but it has now opened the doors to more adventures…a risk that has now led to more risks…
Life has gone from a safe, warm cocoon to a uncontrolled wave of thinking big, falling down, getting up and trying again.

And that is getting addictive….

And what is worrying me is this: what happens when this life gets over, what dreams do I have to hold on to after that?

“Ankhon me jiske koi toh khwab hain…khush hain who hi jo thoda betaab hain
Zindagi me koi arzoo kijiye….phir dekhiye…” (Rock on: Phir Dekhiye)

P.S.: I understand that there were also ropes course, campout, around the world dinners, take home exams, networking and interviews, symposiums and case competitions, Fuqua prom, 80's party. But those need explanations to people not living it. Emotions do not. And not-so-strangely, as I sit in my 6 and a half hour long flight, and look back, I remember emotions.

Summer afternoons - never did change much.

2009-04-21T21:37:00.000-07:00

Then
-------
Temperature: Touching 40 degrees celsius
Friends.
Hurriedly gulped down lunch.
Green, raw, sour mangoes. Ripe and green guavas.
Hide-and-seek in the gardens separated from each other by wire fences which were easy to pass through.
Not a single boring, dull, quiet moment.
"Do you know what teacher said today?"
"Fatso cannot climb trees, hide him behind that pile of wood."
"If you don't listen to me, I will not play with you."
Dreams, fun, adrenaline, opinions, worries, emotions - all at once, nothing can wait for the other.
Life couldn't wait too...

Today
-----
Temperatures: touching 30 degrees celsius
Friends.
Hurriedly gulped down lunch.
A few mugs of coffee...or maybe many.
Cherry blossoms. Tulips.
Yellow pollen on cars.
Some allergies, some early morning rendezvous, wi-fi coffee shops.
Team meetings, sessions, job search, projects, parties, trails and walks.
"So what's up?"
"I think you should..."
"Why don't you..."
"I really want to..."
"I really don't know."
Dreams, fun, adrenaline, opinions, worries, emotions - all at once, nothing can wait for the other.
Life still can't wait for us...

So what's changed?
Nothing, except for a gap of 20 years in between.

Babysteps to normalcy....

2008-11-10T17:58:00.000-08:00

To decide anything...and not explain why
To smile...and not wonder why
To spread out my arms...and not be asked why
To be happy...and not know why

To listen to a song ... just because I want to
To write a story which ends happily...without any twists
To talk as much as I want...without a thought
To step down a way...without a plan to reach anywhere

To read a book... and only remember how I felt
To hold a hand...and not speak a word
To rush through emotions...and not be forced to change them
To shake my head at everyone else...and just hug myself

To live...and be happy...and drift...and just be....without explaining...without reasons...

P.S. This is probably the worst I have ever written, but this is what I feel like, now. To just be, without explanations.

What time of the day am I?

2008-02-18T05:56:00.000-08:00

You are breakfasty, like a pile of pancakes on a Sunday morning that have just the right amount of syrup, so every bite is sweet perfection and not a soppy mess. You are a glass of orange juice that's cool, refreshing, and not overly pulpy. You are the time of day that's just right for turning the pages of a newspaper, flipping through channels, or clicking around online to get a sense of how the world changed during the night. You don't want to stumble sleepily through life, so you make a real effort to wake your brain up and get it thinking. You feel inspired to accomplish things (whether it's checking something off your to-do list or changing the world), but there's plenty of time for making things happen later in the day. First, pancakes.

Link via Tanu's blog....

You know you have been reading too much Harry Potter when...

2008-02-14T05:10:00.000-08:00

...there is a mail asking for entries to a 'Treasure Hunt' contest, and you think about a niffler.....

She who was born this day....

2007-12-11T22:01:00.000-08:00

Some people do not breeze into your life...they waddle in, look around and suddenly announce with a bang that they are there...and as you wait for the confetti and glitter to settle down, you suddenly realize that that will take some time to settle, and you might as well get used to the glitter around...because life is not going to be dull anymore!
She is the one with whom I can talk ceaselessly on no topics at all.....
She is the one who would say 'yes pleeeess' if I mention going out after work...
She is the one who would add 'if it is ok with you', while suggesting an evening out for dance and drinks...and not make me feel guilty for refusing....
She is someone whom I am scared to take for granted, yet, someone who would probably not make it an issue if I do...
She is the one who would perfectly understand what I have talking about when others would be wondering why I seem to be speaking in English, and yet not making any sense...

Flamboyant and bubbly...
Energetic enough to pull me along to a fun evening, when I vehemently complain about long working hours...
Lazy enough to share coffee with on an evening of books and writing novels...

Someone who I know is different from me in ways which would make me seem like an utterly boring and dull person in front of her jazz, yet I have never felt that way... well, some people are unique that way....
So here's wishing she has a unique birthday full of everything she deserves....here's wishing Tanu!!

I completed Nanowrimo....

2007-12-11T21:53:00.000-08:00

Here's a small note to say that I completed Nanowrimo this time around too....but my novel is far from over....so taking their advice and not touching it at all for some days....to re-start editing and adding once I am through with enjoying my free evenings....yawn!

Sorry about the long vacation....

2007-11-05T00:36:00.000-08:00

This is a brief post to tell everyone who reads this blog that I am sorry for the hiatus...and it is not over yet....and yet am actually writing a lot.
From August till October end, I was writing essays - first for the exams and then for the applications. A couple of days back I realized that in one and a half months, I have written about 20 essays....that too about topics I have never thought that I could write more than a sentence...topics like your career, goals, leadership....I can now speak at length about focus of my life and working amidst diversity and team efforts. If that sounds like bragging, it isn't - it is just being said to show how pathetic my condition is....I can actually conduct a whole workshop for a couple of days on managerial qualities now. Phew!
Now that it is out of the way and the waiting period has begun, I have shifted to more familiar challenge, yes, I have registered for Nanowrimo yet again...
This time, I do not know where I am going, because I do have something in my head, but somehow they do not want to come out on paper. Also, the destination is know but not the path....am hoping that will make me write it all out with more energy and passion.....but after 20 essays, the thirst (or should that be hunger) to put words and characters on paper and bind them to a story has diminished to a whole lot...so wish me luck!
See you all post November with hopefully good news...Adieu for now....

Absolute surrender to grief...

2007-08-08T02:48:00.000-07:00

Sadness carries with it an excess baggage
- the baggage of explaining why you are sad
Then, the patience to listen to why you should not be sad
All the time, a part of you agreeing to what the other person says....
Yet, resisting the 'silver lining' thrust at you,
Refusing to let anything take this moment of grief away from you...
Pushing away cheerful rays because you want to grieve...alone...
To grieve, uninterrupted, letting the gloom wash over you
Bundling you up in its wet warmth, so that you feel yourself melting into it
When the grief becomes you and you become the grief
Letting it fill you up and flow out of you
- And finally, feeling it leave you in soft ripples
A moment bereft of all feelings
To wait, for the precise time
When a patch of sun will be seen after the eclipse
- When birds start singing again

When I am sad, I usually push it away, trying to reach out to happy people, somewhat making it slightly clear that I need help, because I want to be so desperately happy now. I tune in to happy songs, happy smiles, happy vibes, all the time, the sadness gnawing somewhere.
I hate sad songs, almost all the times.
I avoid sad novels, movies with sad endings.
And then, suddenly today, I heard this song, which I had heard long back:

'Deewaron se milkar rona achchha lagta hain'

It felt like something I was waiting for, to draw me in, and fill me up.

Updated note:
On reading through what I wrote for grief, it suddenly felt as if I was describing the summer rain...so futile to resist, so warm and wet to get drenched in it, and so much of an in-between feeling if I run away from the first few drops to dry ground.....

Counting on my fingers...sounds familiar?

2007-08-03T04:34:00.000-07:00

What was the date again...23rd...no must be 25th....she was sure 'it' started after they had a major customer release in November....the freeze date was 22nd, so it must have been 23rd....no wait, let me see, it was a Friday, because she had planned to go shopping after office, but once it started, she felt too sick to go....so that makes it 25th....so 25th it is. Now add 28 to it, and so this month 'it' should happen on 23rd, yes, that's right.
She mentally marked the date and then thought some more. If 'it' starts on 23rd as it is supposed to, then she cannot really go on the trekking trip that same day. Might as well cancel the trip, if they cannot postpone it. But what if 'it' does not start on that day...and starts later once the trip gets postponed...
--
She felt a familiar unpleasant sensation in her stomach and grimaced, unbelievingly. Instinctively, she looked at the calendar, and then at the day-date watch on her hand. Well, it was not time yet...'it' was supposed to start next Friday...so why in the world is 'it' starting today? Should she see a doctor? Oh, forget it...'it' may not start till later....it was probably a niggling pain before it actually started...
--
She pinged her friend. 'I want some chocolate, and also feel like having cheese...'
'Ah ok, it is 'that' time of the month for you?'
'You bet...I feel like fighting with everyone today...oh hell!'
'Happens...'
--
The gynaec scribbled on the writing pad and wrote what looked like a list of doodles with balloons and loops.
"Take the first one for three days at the beginning of the cycle...then give a break of five days...then the second..."

She was still calculating the days in her mind as her husband started the car.
"Those medicines...too much calculations for you, right?" he asked, sympathetically.
She grinned. "I am used to it. Have been doing it ever since I got my first periods..."
"I see. Is that why you are so good at counting how many drinks I have in the pub?" He made a mock sad face.
"Sorry about that." She said feelingly. "But probably that's the reason, that and counting calories at the back of the chips packet..."

Inwardly, she mused, "And they say, a woman is bad in Maths..."

...as if am cycling after a long time....

2007-07-26T22:39:00.000-07:00

It's been more than two months....that's regretful...what's even more regretful is that the moment I typed the word 'regretful', I thought I should use the dictionary to double check...and so it was that I realized that somehow I am unable to translate 'bade dukh ki baat hain' to english....
It surely feels as if I am cycling after a long time. It is as if I used to pass the old bike kept under the staircase, each time I came down the steps and opened the door to go out, and it will ask me, silently, "Today?"
I would stop, think, then shake my head and run out. No time, what will others think if I was awkward on it, what if the onlookers think that I am just being self-indulgent, what difference does it make if I don't ride it.....enough doubts to push me through another day.
And so it went on, till it has now been over two months that my fingers have not sought out the familiar keys on the keyboard, in fact, barring a few blogs, I have not even written comments on blogs where I was a regular visitor. The thoughts, which were always random, have now become clouded....one does not end before the other begins, and each one do not exist to fill more than a line, and they are tiring. And as I realized how technical I had suddenly become, I also realized that I was not really happy till I write. True, I don't write masterpieces, but then, how does it matter?
So, here I am, taking out the dusty cycle, and starting off with a ring of the bell on the handle...can't say 'I am back', because the next post might be a month off....but then, I am happy today....
To everyone who had been checking my blog some time for a new post....thanks a TON...here's hoping we meet up on this blog some time soon.....

On screen hero....off screen?

2007-05-08T09:41:00.000-07:00

Do you remember the penultimate scene of Lage Raho Munnabhai...when the bridegroom goes missing...and then you see him standing alone, slowly taking off his Shehra....and many of us let out a collective gasp as his face got uncovered?
That was Abhishek Bachchan on screen, in one of his many guest appearances, playing a much-in-love, care-a-damn-about-superstitions hero who weds a Manglik girl, mouthing dialogues like 'Tumse shaadi karke shayad main mar jaun, par tumse shaadi nahin karun toh main zaroor mar jaunga' (Maybe I might die if I marry you, but I will surely die if I don't marry you), or something to that effect.

And this is Abhishek Bachchan off screen, who made one of the most beautiful woman in the world marry a tree because she is a manglik, before he ultimately married her.
Was there anything different in his situation on screen and off screen? None.
Was there a difference in his behaviour? Ummm..........

I could have...but then thought...what if...

2007-03-14T06:33:00.000-07:00

You are out to change the world
You are not going to take anything lying down
You are going to protest the first time you see someone
- cutting down a tree
- talking about women's place being in the kitchen
- smoking in public
- asking for a bribe
- forcing child labour....

Sounds familiar? As if that 'you' is you? Or does it feel as if that 'you' was you?
How many times while growing up, while attending seminars or debates on environment, on World Health Day or in a drive towards 100% literacy, have we all thought that we will change the world? Or maybe even, that we will bring a change to the world?
How many times have we unabashedly lectured other people about not spitting in public places or not smoking in a bus, unmindful of grumpy faces or patronising or even amused looks around?

What stops us from doing that now?
What makes us say - let it be, doesn't matter, come on now, forget it.....?
What makes us brush it all away with so-called 'maturity'? Are we really that matured or is it something else?
Is it our age? Then why do we still feel young at heart and are not scared to show our love for teddies and chocolates?
Is it our image? Then, why do we consciously try to break that image?
Is it our meek acceptance of reality? Then, why do we go against the set norms in other ways?
Is it a fear of being laughed at for being too driven? Then why aren't we afraid to be said the same thing when we drive ourselves to perfection at work?

The answer is not known to me...am just thinking why....perhaps it is the complexity of life as age adds on more layers, more colours....unlike the simplicity of childhood and the passion of teenage....
Any answers?

Sheesh...did you say 'SEXY'?

2007-03-06T06:28:00.000-08:00

A short apology:
It's been some time now that I blogged, but no excuses here, except that my daily itinerary did not include blogging for that 'some time'. My apologies to those other blogs where I was previously a regular reader and commentor, but was recently missing from the scene.

So, what have I been up to?
Well, to start with, am still not decided whether I want to see Nishabd or not. The pros are that if I watch it with a "open mind", people might regard me as "open minded" or "hep" or "non-aunty", and who knows, it might just turn to be a decent film with a story after all. The cons are of course that it is a RGC film, whose recent films, other than the aptly-remade-godfather 'Sarkar', has a storyline equivalent to half an hour, which stretches to two hours. And I also do not get turned on by female butts, legs or drenched white shirts on female bodies... Even then, this might be one of his better movies, so am waiting for someone to give me an honest review, someone who is not awed by RGV and is comfortable with "bold" subjects, so as to view the film impartially without feeling the need to either feel overwhelmed or ashamed about the subject.

When on bold topics, I found Rediff Movies has flagged off a discussion about "Who is Bollywood's sexiest actress?" as a pre-cursor to Women's Day. Of course, I have found rediff throwing up weird topics of discussions all the time, but this time, it is the messages by people who really really entertained me, and made me write this post. Do visit the site when in need of a few laughs any time during the day. A few samples:

'We need to discuss the same, as Indian women changed a lot and Millions of ppl atill looking a change like the slut Mallika sherawat and we can find the same from our cities like Bangalore, Mumbai'
(Now Mallika is a s***? Why?)

'I really do not understand why such a stupid question has asked on eve of Women's day.India is country where women gets a lot respect.I think it is better if you would ask 'Who is the best Women Personality ever produced'?? '
(Sexy means disrespect?)

'This is the most disgusting way of celebrating Women's Day and to celebrate the contributions of the fairer sex. I wish Rediff does not stoop down to become a X rated site. Please avoid such nonsense.'

I could go on and on, but the fact remains that even now 'sexy' is supposedly a dirty word, and might even be used to mean disrespect. A mere mention of the word make Indians start about our 'culture', and how 'women are respected' and how 'western culture is spoiling us'. Makes me feel that all these men and women who react this way actually feel threatened by sexy people around. A classic case of grapes are sour?

What do I say, except perhaps to thank my stars that I at least stay in a city where I was not lynched when I wanted to send flowers on valentine, and my western outfits are tolerated....

In my own way....

2007-01-04T22:03:00.000-08:00

When something troubles me, and refuses to leave my head even after chewing over it alone, and with friends for almost a month, it is time to put it down here. A simple story, which I cannot remedy, and probably cannot compare to countless tragedies around, but something that made me question the professionalism of a leading company.

A person very close to me is doing management in marketing from a recognized college, though not a great one.
At the beginning of her second year/third semester, companies were invited for campus itnerviews and placements.
It was a lovely day on which I got a missed call from a familiar number, and on calling back, I could hardly hear her voice above everyone cheering and apparently congratulating her. "Hey, know what? I got placed in Hutch!"
"What's your designation? Where will you be posted?"
"I don't know yet. We have been asked to visit their office next week, on thursday, to get our offer letters."
"Gosh, I am so happy. How many of you got through?"
"Only two of us - me and a guy."

Thursday had to be postponed by a couple of weeks because of impending semester exams around the same time, and after getting a medical test done as instructed by a mail from Hutch a couple of days later, she landed up at the Hutch office, in a city separate than where she was studying, at 9 AM one morning along with her classmate. What followed was a long wait.
Her classmate was soon given an offer letter, to work in the field, i.e. a semi travelling job.
When she enquired, she was told that they did not know what to do with her as she was a girl !!!!!! They cannot put her in the field, and they do not know if she can be absorbed elsewhere.
On further probing, they said that she might need to be interviewed once more, this time by the person whom she would be reporting to, and that person was on leave. And...they did not know when that person was to be back from leave...amazing!
So, she barely managed to get the last train home after that, and still managed to retain the cheery and optimistic outlook....optimistic enough to hope that they will contact her college.

Two weeks went by with no news, and it seems they still could not say when her would-be-boss will be back from leave.

Finally, when the college ultimately called up to ask what to do with her, as her fate was left hanging indeterminably, they replied, "Oh we don't have any vacancy for the post that she wants!"

Hello, which post did she want? Wasn't it you Hutch people who decided not to put her in some post and try her for some other post?

Lots of questions come to mind:
1. Didn't the person/persons sent for the campus interviews know what they were supposed to look out for, for e.g. the job is not suited to girls, so do not take girls, etc.?
2. Even if they found out that it had been a mistake, couldn't they call up the next day and inform the college about it?
3. Even after that, when she lands up at their office, couldn't they be honest with her?

It seems this is not the first time, even last year, they had done the same thing to another girl.
The college keeps allowing them to come back, coz they pick up at least one student for employment...heh

I wish I could sue them.
I wish lodging a case could be of less hassle (though with the number of useless cases against celebrities, you would be forgiven if you believe that Indian judicial system is easily accessible and cases got solved in a month).
I wish I could really sue them for
- unprofessional behaviour
- unethical practices
- sexual discrimination
- missed opportunities while waiting for the offer letter
- re-imbursement of all travelling expenditure
- mental harrassment and trauma
- and for destroying the confidence of a person who was born to be in the marketing department, and is always bubbling up with confidence and a cheerful smile.

At least, that would warn them...but would it?
Or would it be regarded as another ridiculous court case in a country where my parents had to attend court for two years to make a realtor pay back their money, even after the cheque that he gave them had bounced and there was clear evidence that he had stolen their money?

Well, I probably will never know till I do it.
But in my own way, I can at least blog about it....

Random post...for a special birthday!

2006-12-18T22:16:00.000-08:00

Long gap...much longer than when I wrote the whole month, and supposedly had no time to post...probably because once I don't write for some time, it takes me time to write anything, anywhere.
Weird gap, with a few experiences that made me do a re-think about almost everything life stands for...things which should be left behind to be forgotten...lessons which should be carried forward and never forgotten. What probably caused the gap in this writing was the time taken to sort out what should be carried forward and what should be buried deep.
At the end of it...life continues...almost the same as before.
At the end of it...the choice is always ours. And once we make a choice, we lose the right to blame anyone else for it.
The sad part was we had an accident, our car got grotesquely squashed in front, it was a long painful night, and then of course, India fared horribly in one-day cricket, people lodged stupid lawsuits on movie scenes, autos in Hyderabad went on strike to protest against digital meters (read: governments move to stop them from cheating the passengers)....and wintery mornings bring in mostalgia.
The happy part is we were not hurt, thanks to seat belts, the insurance company agreed to pay up their part of the bargain made when we took the policy, the memories of the night are slowly drifting away, enabling me to take a more humorous look at it, and then of course, India won the first test match against South Africa, Manu Sharma got convicted for murdering Jessica Lall in spite of Mr. Jethmalani bringing in weird, unrelated stories, and autos are back on the road today...whew!

Which means all is well with the world.
Which means I can feel warm and cozy and loved and appreciated...and confident and emotionally successful....and full-of-milk-of-human-kindness and overflowing with postive emotions and all that...and ready to spread cheer around.
Which means the timing is right....and the winter air seems fresh but warm...and the icing on the cake was pure rich chocolate...so here's wishing the special person in my life a very happy birthday!
For all the times we have laughed at each other and at others together....for all the times we have fought with each other and with others together....for all the times we misunderstood each other or understood too well, but never said so...for all the times we decided to part, only to decide otherwise in a few minutes....for all the times we thought it was all over, only to restart it all over again....I would just want it all to be the same, especially when it comes to you...
So, here's hoping that on this birthday, you remain the same as ever...and take on life with the same enthusiasm, same passion and the same goofy smile as you always do and come out trumps!!

I did it!!

2006-11-29T22:15:00.000-08:00

I am the winner on NaNoWriMo
My novel is over, now with 55K words, and though it is not a book which I myself would have bought off the shelf, no it is nowhere near to a classic or even fit to eb submitted to a publisher, I am happy that I could write a whole novel in a month. Wow...I am so very happy!!!!
And extremely sad too - the whole month was such an adventure, that now December seems to be too bland. Yawwnnnnn......now I really need some sleep after the late nights.

Dhoom2, looking sexy, speed and sequels...

2006-11-26T04:49:00.000-08:00

Warning: Slight spoilers ahead (does it matter?)
So, I watched Dhoom 2 today, and I was bored!
I went to enjoy myself, but I am still yet to understand why I did not find the movie interesting. Opinions will surely differ from mine, and I had loved 'Dhoom', unlike many others, because it came off as an entertaining movie with loads of gloss, speed, good music and crackling funny and taut dialogues.
And Dhoom2 takes it further...it is glossier, slicker, has better dances, and loads and loads of action, and one sizzling hot Hrithik Roshan. Well, yeah, John Abraham was hot too, and his hotness quotient was heightened by a strategically placed tatoo (as pointed out by one of my friends), but Hrithik - well, um...mmmm...yep, delicious. There's just one problem, he looks too honest to be a schemer and a thief. So, they make his character emotional, make him fall in love with the first bimbo who dotes on him, and make him give up being a thief for love, make him look more like an artist, and in general make him a lot less criminal.
And that spoils it for me. I am all for criminals/villains being handsome, hot, good dancers, sleek talkers, et al. But, to make a villain less villainous in a movie of police and robbers, takes away the edge from the whole experience. The conflicts are always more enjoyable between opposing elements, not between good, and slightly good. This is a action movie with razor sharp dialogues, not a psychological deep drama, so it should not try to be deep and pretend to highlight humane nature of criminals.
Which also brings me to Abhishek, as his is the character which should give Hrithik's character a solid fight. However, unlike in the first Dhoom, here Jai Dixit (Abhishek's character) is more relaxed, and has his own set of Hawaiian shirts, bead braceletes and white shoes. He is still sharp, hard nosed and dedicated, but, he is not projected as boring any more - he is cool, suave (somewhat like his many other roles nowadays) and charming. Honestly, I love a charming Abhishek any time, but, when (1) We have a super cool, sizzling hot Hrithik around, let's keep the adversary boring and deadpan, it helps to retain some charm of Abhishek, so that we can always say later - 'Oh yeah, they were together in that movie and Hrithik did look hotter than him, but you know, he was not projectted that way in the movie, so we cannot judge and conclude that Abhishek is not as hot as Hrithik'
(2) Abhishek had already been the same cool, suave and charming, with a sense of humour in at least six movies between the last Dhoom and this one, it would have been something 'different' to see him as boring and deadpan.
So, bring me back the dark-brown-jacket clad Abhishek, who has no charm, and just one borrowed pink shirt, but efficient and dead-on when he moves.
In short, keep the emotions low, the conflict high, and the sequences taut and racy and not mushy. And ok, you can throw in heroines with barely-there clothes for the guys.
Which brings me to Ash - her clothes or lack of them, her tan, her highlighted golden hair, her put-on attitude and her silver-white eye shadow (or was it the concealer - damn, I can never get these right). Also, her lips quivering when she is 'torn' between duty and emotions, her lip-lock with Hrithik and her much-publicised bikini. Sorry, there was no bikini-clad Ash, but then, the clothes she wore, or did not wear, were slightly covered off shoots of the bikini. Ah yeah, Ms. Rai did reveal to us much more of her anatomy than she had ever done,with highlighted cleavage and also tried tapori-MTV-american-accented language, but if hot meant anorexic bodies in tiny bits of clothes, then my opinion about men and what they find hot, has now touched the pits. I know this is unkind, and people might put this down to one more 'Ash-bashing', but in my opinion, she is in Dhoom2 just for the shock value. It is actually not her fault, she does her best, but what the role needed was a heroine who would look sexy kicking ass, a-la-Shilpa Shetty in Dus, but they took Ash and made her into a heroine who is delicate and mushy.
As a jealous rant - I am still thinking what made Hrithik's character fall in love with her - the fact that she preferred burgers over salads, the fact that she asked him to make her his partner ('take me', she hisses), the fact that she can play pretty good basketball compared to other girls (as per his statement) or the fact that she mouths inane dialogues about trust and all that crap (yeah, the dialogue here is crap).
All right, so what did I like, after all my complaints? The answer, surprisingly, is Uday Chopra with his Nagpada principles, his english and his dreams. Everytime, he is there, he gives me something to chuckle over. And teaming up with Bipasha's twin sister, they provide some scenes for me to look forward to.
Ah well, Bipasha...well, she is fine, in both roles, in the denims as well as in the bikini, probably hot, and much more natural than Ash. In fact, she is delightful as the bumbling, silly, yet hot twin sister.

The second thing that I liked were song picturisation and choreography, though not the songs themselves as much as I liked the songs of Dhoom.

The colours, scenes, stunts were good, in fact, very good. But the chase sequences were too lengthy.

Lastly, I have now realized why I had also not liked 'Phir Hera Pheri' but had liked 'Krrish' and 'Lage Raho Munnabhai'. The common thread here is - story. Both Krrish and LRM had a story, different from their first part. In fact, different or not, they had a story. In case of D2 and also PHP, the story was non-existent. Agreed, even Dhoom 1 did not have a story, but it did not matter then. It matters now, because the pattern geting repeated brings in boredom. And no amount of Hrithik's rippling muscles and rubbery dance moves than cover that. At least, not for me.
For those whom the above complains don't matter and Hrithik and Ash are all the pull that matters, speed on with Dhoom2! Who knows, I might just see it a second time, if no other movies come up, and might just enjoy it, as I now know what to expect!

Rock the road...

2006-11-24T04:03:00.000-08:00

I am listening to 'Kya Mujhe Pyar Hain' - the remix from 'Woh Lamhe' over and over again. And each time, it makes me try out a new step of dance in my head.
I suddenly have this feeling that this song will go very well...if we stop the car on a road sometime late at night...somewhat like the KBR road in Hyderabad...roll down the windows and put this on full blast.
I can almost see myself dancing on the road in that late hour, with the car stereos blaring out this song....yeah ok, I know that sounds bollywood-masala-crazy...but what do you do if a song induces you to think that way...
Once more then - O ho ho ho...oho oho oho oho...Kyun aajkal neend kam khwab jyada hain....

Update: Download it here

Miss you...

2006-11-20T04:47:00.000-08:00

I dreamt of my father on Saturday night.
I was talking to an old friend probably, we were discussing about his CV and how I could forward it to my company, when I sensed a movement in my house, and turning back from the gate in front, where I had been standing, I found my father there, with a jhola on his shoulder, in half sleeved cream shirt and black trouser, smiling apologetically. As I turned to him, he gestured that I could continue talking to my friend, he would come back later.
I ran to him, unheeding his gestures. "Where are you going? Some trip?"
"Yes, I am going away...to the other side."
"Other side?" I could sense the meaning, and wanted him to say something to negate it.
"Yes," he nodded and gestured towards the horizon. "The other side. It's now time to go."
I hugged him as tightly as I could. "Don't go baba, stay with me! I want to stay with you, please..."
"I can't," he smiled. "There's no time. I have to go."
I wanted to scream, I wanted to keep him back. All I could see was that he was going away, in a simple cream shirt, with a small jhola like the teacher that he was, with a smile, without any complaints towards me.
Me...who now lives so far from him...that she needs to plan out holidays to visit him.

I woke up sobbing loudly and I called home the next morning.
He was fine. I was relieved.
But for the last few days, the guilt of being away has not left me yet....

Disjointed...connected....

2006-11-18T00:21:00.000-08:00

The waves drape the rocks – they swoon in the spray
Sealing the noises, soaring high
Today I have a question…as I did yesterday
Maybe, just maybe I can ask you why
Or I will close my eyes to see far away
A brief moment and a long goodbye…

I am writing...

2006-11-05T10:07:00.000-08:00

I suppose this blog is going to be slightly inactive all of this month.
Simply because I am channelising my meagre writing abilities and energy in this:

For those who would have longed to write a novel, but was always putting it off, please register here and start.

So yeah, am writing a novel, hopefully readable...and my word count, so far is about 7.5K...we need to reach 50K by end of this month.
So, I am off to a brief hiatus...see you guys when I am a novelist!!!!

Update on 20th:
I am onto 38K words now...and the story looks kind of connected now...but I wonder if it would seem so to other readers who don't know it...or whether they would find a story at all...

You know what I did in Goa...

2006-10-26T03:32:00.000-07:00

Warning: Some useless information follows, with rants and brags

Shillong in the first week of October, Goa in the third...I sure am travelling a lot this year. Throw in Ooty last April, that leaves me with a north-Indian destination to cover before January to brag that I have covered the 'length' and 'breadth' of the country this year, whew!
So, what do I write about the trip, my first trip to Goa? Nothing new to add except what people already know I suppose...
- that I am happy, as happy as I was in UK or US, that I am a non-vegeterian (drools) and that I am not allergic to sea food.
- that I am now as tanned as a lobster along my swimming costume lines
- that for once I was comfortable wearing short dresses as there were so many with dresses shorter than mine(so short, that they were hardly there)and no one stared at me...except for some frustrated Indian husbands and some groups of single guys, who would stare at anything.
- that we could avoid 'freaking' out and instead chose to 'laze' out...and found it as enjoyable as the former option. Must be getting real old
- that swimsuits dry best when they are still being worn, and not when hung outside your room in the balcony...
- that the best way to read books is to first take a dip and then stretch out on the sand beds to dry, with a new paperback..ahhh heaven! (Now don't ask me why i 'wasted' a holiday reading...I simply enjoyed it)...I devoured a Mary Higgins Clark thriller and still onto 'On Beauty' by Zadie Smith.
- that I know for sure how many drinks hubby had at different places during the day, but just let go, till he admitted the morning after that he did not remember anything that happened after signing the bill the night before. (And this from a guy who was vehemently assuring me after signing the bill, that he was fine, and, if left to himself, can find his way to the room on his own!)
- that, and this is a rant, Goa is pretty expensive when it comes to water sports, even simple ones like a water scooter, and tiny beach shacks which look dirty and miserable, charge a lot for the food, thanks to the high demand around.

Anyways, great holiday, and a great way to end it...that is, we literally got off the plane and auto rickshaw-ed into our new car....with the confused rickshaw driver wondering why we wanted to go to a car showroom with all the luggage once we got down from the flight...and we must have gone down as one of the legends circulating around showroom, that of 'a couple who were so crazy to own a Honda Civic that they came directly here from their Goa trip, from the airport'!!!!

To end this, here's presenting some banter about the trip (through scraps) with one of my acquaintances, simply to give you an wtf effect:

Acquaintance: How was Goa?
the usual question gets the usual answer
Me:Goa was great, though we lazed out, more than we freaked out...but we loved it.
--
A: Lazed out whr?in room or on the beaches?????????????
Attempts at being naughty? Ok then...
Me: (trying to sound neutral)Beaches and swimming pool...Goa, after all, can be quite a haven for relaxing...
--
A: I can bet on that too.Why was your hubby missing frm the seen?very busy?
Come again?
Me: (a little confused)Hubby was not missing from the scene...he was with me...why else would I write 'we' lazed out?
--
A:xcuse me u can laze out with sis too darling.u mentioned everyone xcept him so i thot he wasn't there?my god what a prompt reply for hubby darling.
Everyone? When did I do that?
Me:(a little irritated now)You seriously thought we went to goa with my sis in tow?????? Am not that old yet, neither is our marriage
--
Honestly, what was she thinking???

Are you a spouse...or are you a person...

2006-10-17T05:14:00.000-07:00

She said it was a difficult decision...work or husband, 'cause work would mean her going back to their old place, and staying here with her husband will mean that she be without work, or work which she does not like. Also, she said, she did not like the new place at all, so what struck me was, it was more like - location or husband, rather than work. But then,she was already a bit sad about her decision to relocate for work, leaving her husband behind, so it would have been crude to correct her then.
I probed a little delicately - "What about your husband? Does he plan to continue working here, or is he thinking about going back to your old place and getting a job there? After all, it was not so difficult...."
"Well, no, he likes it a lot here...he just says for some years he wants to be here...and I can't force him..."

It really touched me, this modern dilemna of working spouses, when both are good and committed to their professional lives, and relocating is no longer an issue, life suddenly becomes so much more complicated. Both spouses cannot or do not force each other, because they genuinely respect each other's decisions and also, at the back of their mind, they really don't want to hear one day - 'You were responsible for my sagging career...had you not stopped me then...I would have been more successful than you are (or what I am now)!'. Let's face it, this scare of a future guilt influences us as much as the sense of duty when we decide to step back and not 'interfere' in a decision.

So I asked her what was swimming in my mind, something which often comes to my mind, during such situations of decisions which I would have loved to avoid:
"Don't you sometimes just wish that he would force you and not make you go through this misery? That you could just disclaim any responsibility for the decision and just brush off other's objection as 'he forced me', or 'what can I do, it was his decision?'"

She seemed shocked, and definitely thought that I was a doormat. And then followed all the disclaimers:
"I dont think that way...it will be disatrous if either of us do it.."

I stammered uncertainly, "I was just talking of a supremely emotional moment, when logic takes backseat, when we just want to be together."

She was vehement now:"We cannot do that...we are pretty much like friends till now ..we havent got that husband wife thing ...may be we cant be that way"

So I asked her what she meant by the 'husband wife thing', and she said:
"i think i see my friends ..they have set themselves that i am a wife mode. But I still carry the fire in me ..and so he cannot really behave like a husband with me, any spark ..and we can have a major fight. Then i feel ..why am i like this? why am I not like other females ..they are just content ..and I keep my husband always worried ..with my next desire."
Fire? Friendship? Wife mode?
I am sure she must have meant something else, but her assumtions had started to sting me, because somewhere I had started being a 'wife' in my life, but I had never thought that I was losing my identity. I protested, albeit mildly:
"I don't think anyone is content just because they are in that 'I am a wife mode', if so,they must be simmering inside...and use up their bedtime cribbing to their husbands. People become content when they make peace with turn of events, either because of a decision or otherwise, and it is like they look upon life and say - I don't regret. Otherwise, it will be a sad compromise."

We bantered some more, and I told her that one must be happy with oneself in order to keep the other one happy and all other such stuff which I strongly belive in.

But her analysis stuck with me - this difference between friends and spouse, and how being one seemed to be more fiesty than being the other.
It brought back to mind, what I had once heard from someone dear to me, who had been married for more than 30 years and who would give any 'modern' woman a run for 'fiestiness' - 'I wish he would at least sometimes look into my wardrobe and choose a saree for me when we go out, I would have felt noticed.'

It also brought back to mind jokes on marriage, mostly about men losing their 'freedom' and the like. And I thought about how we confuse emotional involvement with weakness, selfishness with strength, adjustment with compromise.
Because emotions are as important as logic, and not being able to say 'Don't do this, it hurts me' to your spouse, because that might make him/her feel suffocated, is as restrictive and suffocating as someone telling you all the time, 'You have to abide by my decision.'
On a less extreme level, wouldn't you like it if you have someone in your life who says, 'Please stay back, for me, cause I'll miss you'?
If you will not, then I suppose it is not a very comfortable idea to get married, or even allow someone to be emotional about you.
Marriage is a strange instituion - ridiculed, misunderstood, mis-interpreted and exploited. Yet, what most of us eventually forget is that it is about togetherness. People marry for different reasons - because they are told to, because they need a kid to continue the legacy, because they don't want to lose a person, because they think that they are getting too old, or even because of personal security. Yet, there is almost always one constant result - that of togetherness. Of waking up every morning to find a familiar face beside you (except if you and your spouse work in different shifts), of your things mixing with your spouse's, of two different sets of clothes, of two different towels and toothbrushes, of the constant presence of another person other than your own.
Somewhere down the way, 'You' and 'I' disappear in some areas like financial decisions, like cooked meals, like holiday decisions, and becomes 'We'. In some cases, one 'I' disappears more than the other, and also in more areas than in other cases, but it always happens.
That definitely does not mean that you are compromising your individuality, except if you are really keeping yourself bottled up, and allowing yourself to be bulldozed over when it comes to all decisions.
It is more like adding spices to a curry, everything blends in for a unique taste, so unique that you cannot recall what ingredients you added.
So, are you compromising your individuality if you are a spouse? Definitely no, except at your company's official party or on your birthday or any function where you are a person in your own right. And you would better be a spouse when you go meet your in-laws, 'cause no parents will take it kindly if you say - "No, am not your son/daugher's spouse, we are still friends and we are individual persons!"
All right, that was an exaggeration, but you get the drift...I don't want to make my hint as obvious as a Bollywood pelvic thrust.

P.S.: Don't flame me, am NOT against anyone pursuing their career, or taking decisions on working at different places, thought it ultimately takes two loving hearts far from each other. I am also NOT against women asserting their rights, or free speech and choices in marriage or any relationship.

At the airport

2006-10-08T20:39:00.000-07:00

Blogging from the airport, Calcutta airport, with just 15 min to spare, 'cause it seems the server has some problem and will disconnect after every 15 min.
To all those who commented on my last post, will reply to them once I am back in town i.e. Hyderabad.
Well, so I missed my flight yesterday, the Kingfisher flight, becuase gates close 30 min before departure, and all trains conspired to be late yesterday from my home town, i.e. Durgapur, and I reached the airport just 30 min before!!!! Got myself booked to the earliest flight the next day, i.e. Air Sahara at 10:35 AM, but Mamatadidi had chosen this day as a Bandh day, so we had to book a taxi, and on insistence by mom, reached teh airport by 6AM, i.e. before the bandh was effective.
You have to see the airport to belive this - there are people all around, it resembles a railway station, albeit with air conditioning and cleaner environs. No trolleys, but I finally managed to get one from arrivals. And the STD booth benefitted by my long calls.
The only saving grace - this is Kolkata airport and not Hyderabad, else I don't know how I would have coped there...people who know both places, will agree!!!
Got to log off, getting reminders, till I log in again ciao!

Small update: Am back in Hyderabad, got back on Monday finally, after Air Sahara realized at the last moment that they have 'technical problems' in the flight, and we were finally transported by another flight after 1PM. I am thankful they did not realize that technical flaw after we flew.

Going home...

2006-09-27T04:34:00.000-07:00

Am going home today...so bye bye internet, cable TV, western clothes and office....which means no blogging for a couple of weeks.
Of course, it also means - Durga Puja pandals, new clothes, chicken rolls, blaring music, known faces in crowds and mom-cooked food.
See you all when I return on 8th...from my hometown and also, Shillong.

Grand Prix and.....Bollywood..err...

2006-09-23T12:11:00.000-07:00

Tanu tells me that Schumacher has declared that he will retire from formula one racing Well, yeah, formula one racing will not be the same without him, I agree. Then, she adds, it's worse that he will be replaced by Kimi Raikkonen, who probably(here Tanu will vehemently shake her head and say, 'definitely') is nowhere near the charismatic Schumi.
Am not that bothered...and that's not because I don't watch F1 too closely. That's also not because I am impervious to Schumi's charms and abilities.
That's mainly because ever since remakes started happening in Bollywood, and they chose Shahrukh to step into the shoes of first Dilip Kumar (in Devadas) and now Amitabh (in Don), and Mohit Ahlawat is chosen to play Jai in the Sholay remake...I am now reconciled to the fact, that you don't always need personality and ability to replace anyone. Sighhhhhhh...if only they had thought about remakes when I was moving towards my twenties...am sure I would have loved to act opposite Aamir in any remake...any role...

Now hearing - Don(new) and Jaaneman

2006-09-14T04:16:00.000-07:00

'Aaj ki Raat...hona hain kya...paana hain kya...khona hain kya'
- Retro...with disco beats...conjuring up visions of two girls in classy sensuous clothes, jewels and smooth moves. Dangerous, edgy, sexy, yet classy.
I had to write this when I am still listening to the song, now 3rd time during the day...when Alisha Chinay's sultry voice is cut in by sugary and smooth Mahalaxmi...and my feet goes tapping to the chorus. This post is simply because I had to say something about this song, out loud.

'I am listening to Don's songs,' I tell my husband (who, as I think have mentioned before, has to be counted among the country's top fans of big B, so much so, he hates it if anyone else hogs the limelight in a movie where the credits feature AB Sr.).
'Why?' comes the disgruntled question. 'Why are you popularising the music of a classic being remade badly?'
'It is good, I like it,' my enthusiasm is now down, my voice soothing and barely audible.
'It is people like you who will help the stupid movie to be a hit....why don't you understand?'
Oops! And people wonder why the protesters against 'Fanaa' were so charged!

We buy a lot of casettes, mainly because our car has a casette player, and we like listening to music. Personally, I like the music of a movie when it is either of the following:
1. Funky with lots of beats, and lyrics which make sense, at least in some of the songs. Some pop, some rock.
2. Classical or semi-classical with shayaris or ghazals.
3. Romantic and melodious, sometimes breezy, sometimes plain sweet.
And it is wonderful if an album has all three, which is hardly available nowadays. Also, I hate it when the mood of the music and the lyrics don't match, it feels almost as bad as someone dancing salsa in rhythm with a hip-hop music.

All right, its 'Don-the chase begins again' first:
--------------------------------------------------
An album with 2 remade old songs - 'Yeh Mera Dil' and the classic 'Khaike Paan banaraswala', which have been sung pretty well by Sunidhi Chauhan (whom I personally consider to be extremely talented and versatile with her voice modulations matching Shaan's and confusing you as to who the singer is) and Udit Narayan (who I still think, has one of the richest voices ever among the modern singers), but unfortunately will be compared to the old ones.
An album with 3 new songs -
a) the title song - 'Main Hoon Don', sung by Shaan, whose voice flows with the music, and the music is somewhat reminiscent of the title song from 'Humraaz' (whose opening credits, as per hubby, was 'Are Deewano' in slow motion).
The lyrics are a little childish and too blatant at points like 'Bahut hi khatarnak hoon main'(why declare?) and 'Palkein bichhaye, paas bulaye, kitne haasinayen mujhe' to give a few examples. Javedji, I expected something more subtle.
b)'Aaj Ki Raat' - music, singing, lyrics-matching-the-mood-of-music...almost perfect. Need I say more than what I already have before?
c) Ganapati mourya - Passable, if you dig Shahrukh dancing to a earthy style after a long time.

Now for Jaan-e-mann:
-----------------
The only reason I am writing the review is because I spent Rs.58/- on this album on recommendations by indiafm which said: 'Jaan-E-Mann' adds on to the list of must-buy albums this season'. My understanding of the word 'must-buy' cahnged drastically on hearing the album.

The album starts with Salman reciting a bit of shayari, a-la-a lot of heroes before. Oddly seems like he is actually speaking English or Hindi with a hard-to-place english accent. Ab Salman ka tashan hain...hum kya kare.
We move on to the song:
a) Humko Maloom hain:
Music - old world.
Lyrics - definitely 'contemporary' with lines like 'Dad maane nahin, Mom maane nahin' and 'ye mera future ka sawal hain'.
Sung: Pretty good...and you got to give extra credits for the singers making such lines seem less ridiculous.
When I find Gulzar's name on the lyrics, I seriously think of searching for his email id and asking him if he is taking tutions from Sameer. What's wrong with you Gulzarji? It is not that I am a prude and want only deep urdu words in my songs, I simply loved 'Bunty aur Babli' and the 'beedi' song from 'omkara'...but this is...ewwww.
Of course, as per indiafm: 'Gulzar saab must be happy this his lyrics are presented in a new light for a hardcore commercial film', so am wondering if B&B was not a hard-core commercial movie?
b) Ajnabi Shaher me:
Never knew when the previous one ended and when this started....but it was as effective as a lullaby.
indiafm agrees:'This is the kind of song that one may want to put on in a repeat mode, switch off the lights and go to sleep!'
Ok, I understand that they did not say it that way, but maybe they were being polite?
c)Jaane ke jaane na: The only saving grace...wacky, rhythmic and right on spot...made me rewind it.
d) Sau Dard: It opens with 'Humko Maloom Hai's opening strains, so I thought it was a continuation of the first song, but it was a slightly different song...disappears and leaves no residue....err effect. The remix is much better though.
e)Oodh Jaana:I badly wanted to like this song, but either it was becasue of my car stereo, or because it came after I was already fatigued by the album, that it made me just realize that this song might be good on multiple hearing.
f)Kabool Kar le: Blame it on the album, but I just don't remember this song, might hear the album again to see where it went!!!

Well, if your tastes match mine, you are suggested to stay away, or else, download the song, hear them first, then decide whether to buy the album.
Me, have heard the album twice, once before and once after our car was serviced, and the servicing did nothing for the music...will hear it again, after all, have spent 58/- on it.On second thoughts, I won't risk it, might lead to rare domestic violence, or should it be mobile(as in car) violence?

Update:
Watched the old Don on Thursday - no, my hubby has not grown old suddenly (some people will understand this joke), am talking about the old movie in which Amitabh was enacting the role of Don. Realized that the theme music of the new Don is actually a more shaken-n-stirred version of the theme music of the old one...to know the music, listen to the tune of the line 'Mujhko pehchaan lo, main hoon Don' - the title song of the new Don.

Cappuccino, cribs and confidences...

2006-09-05T12:26:00.000-07:00

Grey clouds, slight breeze, two girls in a single auto...
My hazelnut cappuccino, her berry iced tea....
My sandwich, her cheese melt....
My observations, her analysis...
The agenda - to talk some more, to talk till we can no longer delay going home to continue with our chores, to share whatever was there on our mind, to vent frustrations and laugh about them, to giggle over the moments of happiness, to crib over things which cannot be changed, to count our blesings, to bitch and to gloat...in short, a normal girls' evening.
Two limited hours of unlimited topics...
Few moments of unabashed confidences....
Some memories, some plans...
Some information, some conclusions...
Some humour, some hard facts...
A dash of sweet-sour blueberry jam inside a warm, buttery muffin...a heart shaped foam on a round cup of cappuccino...some floating berry rinds in an iced tea...two bright eyes, active hands, unruly hair, orange cell phones...

Glistening raindrops on the parked cars and trees and the pavement.
Two different auto rickshaws, negotiations, sudden acceleration of the autos in two different directions with two women, sudden fast forward from girl to woman.

Friendship - so utterly undefined, unrefined and instinctive...just like some evenings like these....

Mind travails and travels...

2006-09-04T02:11:00.000-07:00

It has been some time since I blogged. I did think of posting on a few topics...topics which irritated me for all of half an hour, after which I decided not to harm myself further by staying irritated, topics which made me happy enough to undermine the futility of living through a day, topics which made me sad enough to realize that they should not be immortalized by blog posts...and finally topics on which I dug out information, which anyone can dig out on the web.
So, I did not blog. I visited other blogs a lot, which managed to slowly scrap at the wobbly foundation of my confidence, and made me wonder why people should visit my blog when they have such others to go to...which in turn made me wonder if people see my blog at all...and which in turn made me install a sitemeter, just for kicks...it has not really disappointed me so far.
So, I read a few books, which could not move me enough to type out a few sentences for or against...at least coherent, logical sentences...except maybe 'Whoever wrote this book is a person fond of self-piety or martyrdom' or else, 'I wish everyone reads this book'...and before I could expand, the feeling is gone.
Feelings...maybe I have found the cause...yeah, I did not feel enough. One of my friends has told me often, that when someone writes from the heart, it shows. And then, no matter how crappy the grammar, or how wodehousian the language, it stirs up something in the reader... especially if it is a simple situation, which everyone relates to. But if you are pretentious, it will show that you are trying to copy styles, or topics or situations or fonts...
And then, during times when I feel too much, too confused to sum up these feelings, and too scared to reveal them to others...I wish the blog was a diary...or I posted anonymous.
And so, this post has no subject, because I cannot think on a single subject...sometimes the mind is so organized, that it seeps into the fingers and prompts them to write, which brings a post on a single subject. Sometimes, the mind just wanders, and you let it organize the journey - this post is one such situation.

Once my mind decides to hover or settle down, I would do a proper topic-specific post. Hope that happens soon - I miss writing and all this journey gets too tiring.

The countdown to cha cha cha....

2006-08-21T02:33:00.000-07:00

One hour to go for shutting my workstation....half an hour to get ready and then one more hour to reach the venue...half an hour more for everyone else....oh my god....I just can't wait!!!
All right, I take a big gulp of breath...and slow down.
After all, it will be my dance performance on stage after six years...a group dance at that, which makes the gap eight years...and that too choreographed by someone else which increases it to tweleve years....
Why am I counting time? First hours, then years...ok..just to stay calm. But this is sheer adrenaline....more intoxicating than smirnoff or even chevas regal...more addictive than books and chocolate...even....sometimes sex (blushing).
All right, I'll be off soon...and I wish I could hold this moment forever....this moment of unadulterated passion and nail-biting tension...towards a finale of ten minutes, at most.
To all those who think this is too much energy spent on something as inane as dancing, try substituting that with your office presentation, or your marriage...or...ok, substitute, think, feel...and understand.
I'm off for now...ciao...

Update 1:
It was over too soon. To quote from an sms sent by another one from the team, who was all of her fourteen years:'Dang...its over...crap dis is so shitty...'
We planned to meet, we planned to join the next batch, whenever that starts, we planned to keep in touch.
I was surprised and relieved to find that whatever be the attitude of people during our classes, we were all equally excited that evening. And we were all emotional when we knew that we are leaving.

Update 2
The bad news is no cameras were allowed in the hall, along with no audience except the students...so no photos of our presentation.
The dance by the SPB (loosely translated as specially picked batch, as i have forgotten the actual one) was superb....they were pros...but they had been training for 4 years.
The good news is that I met one of the SPB-ians near a lift at a restaurant, and she managed to recognize me, smile and point out which dance i was in...well...am on cloud 9..to be noticed among 20 people!!!

Those Amrikan NRIs and the movies-shovies....

2006-08-16T08:28:00.000-07:00

What's with these NRIs and their holier-than-thou defensive attitude? Esp those who stay in US?
Aseem Chhabra, assumedly an NRI who resides in New York, takes great pains to point out in his KANK review that 'KANK has nothing to do with New York.'
He explains:
'Johar and his crew camped out in our city for a few months and so I began to believe that the film was a tribute to the desi New Yorkers and our adopted hometown. KANK was about our lives and it was our movie.

So I have a word of warning for the New Yorkers and other NRIs who still have not seen the movie..................KANK has nothing to do with New York. Yes, the film was shot here and there are some stunning scenes of Manhattan...But KANK could easily be set in London, Sydney and definitely in Mumbai. Infidelity and adulterous behaviour -- the main theme of the film -- does not come naturally to desi New Yorkers.'

He then proceeds to point out other differences between the movie and reality in New York.

Now, what's the big idea?
Since when have movies, especially candy-floss ones like the ones made by KJ, been taken so seriously and referred to for authentic information about a place?
Did any Mumbaite take pains to point out that though Munnabhai MBBS focussed on Mumbai, all hospitals around the country have the same problem with queues to fill up forms during admitting a patient? Or that, it's not only in Mumbai that you find rich-spoilt kids a-la-Dil Chahta hain, but that they were found everywhere?
So, why do NRIs in New York jump up at the first instance and start proclaiming that they are not 'natural infidels'? Seems like the classic case of 'Chor ke dadhi me tinka'?
It could have well been said Aseem is a stray incident, had I not chanced upon the comments section of the same review and found him getting ample support from other New Yorkers who say:
'I have lived in USA for a long time and I know how Indians live here. Infact kids who grow up here are fed more Indian values...'

On a parting note, Mr. Chhabra seems to have had an arranged marriage, because he gets very irritated with Karan Johar for his observation against the seemingly weird concept:
'As the young filmmaker explained in the liner notes of the film's CD...there are three types of married people in the world - one, those who have an arranged marriage (and Johar displays his arrogance, ignorance, and lack of life experiences, by saying he just doesn't understand why people do that)...'

I am still wondering if he would have rated KANK higher if it had showed New Yorkers, esp NRIs having a totally blameless, exemplary lifestyle...but I'll stop before another NRI from Australia starts clarifying that unlike what they showed in 'Salaam Namaste', NRI girls in Australia do not live-in and pregnant by their boyfriends....makes me want to give credit to Kunal Kohli for basing 'Hum Tum' in so many countries so as to confuse them all...

The tagged one...

2006-08-16T04:57:00.000-07:00

All right, this is a long pending post...to be done as tanu had tagged me...but bouts of illness had kept me from venturing into the hitherto known turf before today...so here goes:

-----------------------------------------
I AM THINKING ABOUT...
Sunny beaches and roasted cashews.

I SAID...
something to someone some years ago...(don't we all?)

I WANT TO...
Go on a holiday and read loads of books with deep thoughts and happy endings.

I WISH...
I could write for days at a stretch....with nothing to distract me.

I HEAR
Nothing....in my sanitized cubicle....except my own fingers on the keyboard and few whispers.

I WONDER
If I am deaf or whether everything is really this quiet...and how a talkative girl like me manages to work in such silent harmony.

I REGRET...
no decisions in my life...really...life is so much more interesting that I would take those decisions again!

I AM...
a budding novelist, a struggling software engineer, a pretentious philosopher, a confused woman...

I DANCE...
pretty welll and to the perfect rhythm...and often, when I am alone, and with no apparent music playing except for the one inside my head!

I SING...
when I am happy, or when I want to try singing a difficult tune which I have heard, or when something plays on and on in my mind.

I CRY...
pretty easily...too easily for those who know me to get moved by my tears...

I AM NOT ALWAYS...
serious and honest!!!

I MAKE WITH MY HANDS...
gestures when I speak...which captivate people.

I WRITE...
all the time...it helps me live...and speak out.

I CONFUSE...
myself....with my warped sense of logic and tendency to argue both sides.

I NEED...
to loosen up sometimes...and let things be...and not stir them up.
-------

There that's done...not too bad I think...

A KAN(K) of worms or just hot air?

2006-08-15T23:59:00.000-07:00

On 12th Aug afternoon, I noticed an SMS from one of my friends:
'Watching KANK. Re-inforcing stereotypes'

Damn, I thought, KJ is at it again like he shaped up the character of the righteous arrogant father in K3G, or the tomboy-turned-feminine female who finally managed to hook the guy with her saree tantrums in KKHH....
I was wrong...very wrong...and then realized that stereotypes were better than confused, self-pitying individuals. At least, they either endear or anger the audience....and not confuse or frustrate them and spoil the rest of their day.
Also, the tag line - For those who have loved and lost...is wrong...it should rather be 'For those who have married and might be contemplating divorce' or something like that. Saying this because the group of guys in the row before mine stood up at half time and said,'Just can't understand what's wrong with abhishek and preity that their spouses want to leave them'. Apparently, the director wanted to show that even two wonderful people can have a unsuccessful marriage. However, most of the audience, esp the unmarried ones can never understand and appreciate the concept of compatibility, and the director makes it even more difficult by making the respective spouses even more gorgeous, funky and filled with highly-caffeinated-energy than the straying partners.Most people who have not been in marriage or live-in relationships will need a stretch of imagination to realize that 'gorgeous and happy partners' don't necessarily translate to 'happy relationships'.

So, the intentions were good, and I am happy that the respective spouses of those who 'strayed' outside their marriage were not shown as incarnations of vampish-Bindu or cynical-and-psycho Arbaaz Khan.
I was also happy that the loose characterisation left space for different people with different nature to interpret the characters in their own way. Over the Indian blogosphere, I found people giving different adjectives to the characters (for e.g. some thought the leads were losers, and rani was a fool to not like someone as charming as abhishek, while personally I found abhishek good for being a son, friend, lover or co-worker, but as husband...naah), and for a KJ movie, which usually has strongly defined characters, with no room for interpretation, this was different.
However, what put me off was the characterisation of the 'straying partners'. Two people, who were unhappy with their spouses, come together, and remain unhappy, except, maybe, at the last scene, where I could barely make out a smile on SRK and Rani's face and one tiny scene where SRK brings Rani flowers and they talk over the phone.
What's the use?
The intention now seems to be that as extramarital affairs are a sin, the ones indulging in it can never think about being happy. All right, point taken.
But if so, then why portray them as great lovers and star-crossed soulmates, and try to manipulate audience reaction by showing the last scene at the train station where Rani tries to locate SRK, and the train slowly pulls out of the station?
If love between them was not great enough to overcome the guilt and unhappiness, then how great was it?

Is this film a love story? A moral preaching? A thought-inducing film? Or simply exhausting?
I was left confused, exhausted and frustrated at the end.
As someone who admits openly that she thinks too much, it is very difficult for me to pin-point why I am feeling the way I am....so in those times, I turn to my husband to be led by his unerring clarity of thought. This time was no exception. My husband, on replying to my query about the movie, said, in his limited vocabulary, that the movie was SICK. For a while I wondered if he was alluding to his condition for the last ten days, when he was in and out of fever, cold and allergies, but he repeated the word when he found me staring at him - SICK!
Sick - because Rani was behaving like a glorified sweeper who only wanted to weep, sweep and keep house, and then blame herself some more, and weep and sweep...ok, you got it.
Sick - because Shahrukh was a person who can never be happy and can never make anyone happy with his grouch and big ego.
Sick - because Preity had massive swings of priorities depending on the situation - now career, now family... and also a nice chip on her shoulder as to how it is difficult for 'ordinary' people to meet her, etc.
Sick - because however suave, hunky, madly-in-love Abhishek was, he really was an oversized kid....who seemed to bulldoze over others opinions, except his dad's.
And finally....
Sick - because of Bachchhan's characterization.
My husband is a HUGER than HUGE fan of AB sr., and had taken his screen persona in this film pretty badly. And what put him off more was AB's talk about missing his wife and also, later, advising Rani.
(Pssst....I enjoyed it, he provided the only relief.)
So, that was it....Sick...according to hubby.

According to me? Well I would prefer to say - MESSY....in every way.
And that's including the remaining evening's conversation when we discussed the movie and also including the way my nose ran due to the high AC in the movie theatre.

As an afterthought - Ms. Zinta's red gown was mmm...delicious...wish I had it. Wrong - wish I could fit into it and look as good. Is my hubby listening?

Update:
As per general consensus, mostly girls, Abhishek was a great model husband in the movie. Overheard by my friend in the office shuttle:
'Abhishek was too good yaar - handsome, well-dressed, rich, brought her flowers, loved her madly....come on what more did Rani want?'
(How about Rani being in love with him? Clothes, looks, flowers and love doesn't always beget love, right?)
However, guys have not been that forthcoming about Preity's character. A case of the male ego put off by a highly successful woman? Or is it simply that Ms. Zinta is not attractive enough?

Of movies and opinions...

2006-08-02T22:54:00.000-07:00

It is really weird and pretty irritating when a movie website, which claims to be unbiased, lets one of its reviewers ram his views down the readers' throats.
Yeah, TOI comes first on this list but I am not talking about that right now.
I am talking about rediff.com and Raja Sen.
Agreed each one has a different opinion about a movie and reviewers can only be human....but isn't it the duty of a reviewer to remain slightly (to say the least) unbiased and let the audience decide whether they really want to see a movie or not? It was fine till last year, though Raja Sen did mention that he thought 'Hazaron Khwaishen aise' as the best movie of 2005. and also he thought 'Darna Zaroori Hain' was interesting (that adjective is very tricky though).
But this time, I definitely don't like the way he has been promoting 'Omkara'.
First, he wrote a column on 'Why we need Omkara'.
Thankfully, they kept him away from the review.
And now he writes a column on 'Why Omkara blew my mind'.

Yes, I know - to each his own....but that would have been ok if he had kept his views to himself and not aired them as if he is the last word on movies, and also, his columns, fit for a blog did not find a place in a leading movie website, which actually pays him for the columns.

The bottomline of this ramble - personal agendas, opinions and self-indulgent columns should go into a personal blog, websites touted as being unbiased should contain a healthy balance of opinions and a larger picture of any issue rather than lopsided arguements, and shameless promotions.

Work in progress...

2006-07-20T06:34:00.000-07:00

I understand that to the visitors to my blog it might seem that my page is incomplete, and most/some links don't work. (I am assuming that there are visitors).
This is a short note to say that my present template is under construction, and so, many links might be unavailable, and the site might look pretty untidy...so please bear with me till this is done, should be done by tomorrow if I keep correcting it :).
Once I am done, I'll remove this message so that you know that 'This is how I want my template to look like'...apologies till then.

Update: This page now looks 'almost' as I want it to look. All that is left is the header image and the 'recent comments' link to be added.

Time for a new post on the new look...will happen as soon as I am free or at least have a bit less work than I do right now at office.

They won't win!!!!

2006-07-11T23:49:00.000-07:00

The morning newspaper....the photos....the hurried calls to friends and relatives in Mumbai...the sigh of relief....of feeling lucky for being in another city....and then the news sinking in deeper...
Feeling saddened..and then angry...trying to put myself in the place of the mumbaikars and thinking how today will be for them:
Will they go to work as usual?
Will they come to the railway station and try to control the surge of panic and stay put?
Will the mothers tell their sons and daughters what happened or will they gloss over the facts so as to keep them away from the horror of blood and death? Can these mothers let their children go away to school without a moment of hesitation?

Me, am just an onlooker, far away from Mumbai...which they say is 'Sapnon ka shehar' (the city of dreams)...where people land up to try their fate...to fly higher...to go places...some dreams come true, some people reach heights, some go places...but everyone gets into that local train once at least...the early local train to work, the push of humanity, the chats in the trains, the sharing of seats, the gritted teeeth to start a day, ladies discussing knitting and recipes, men scanning the newspaper headlines...never knowing one day they will become the headlines...
Yes, I am scared, scared enough to blame my city's policemen tightening the security today, when we could have been blasted out yesterday, scared enough to worry about my aunt, who lives in Mumbai, not picking up her home phone, scared enough to recognize that this is the feeling those people or should they be called animals....wanted us to feel, and so they planted those explosives.
Which makes me stop being scared, and start being angry....angry enough to be ready to hit out...even make false pretence of bravery when maybe I'll want to run away...angry enough to be defiant, and proud.
Yeah, proud of humanity which is still left in people who helped the injured and took them to hospitals, proud of the courage of Mumbaikars and their resilience...I can't do anything except laud them from afar, and hope that they hold together at this moment, as they are doing so far and prove those non-humans wrong, so that those non-humans who did this will know that - THEY CAN'T WIN!! It is going to take a lot more than this to break Human courage, resilience, and love.

P.S.: Amit Varma has made an exhaustive compilation of all useful links in his post, so linking his post here. Please go through it if you are looking for information.

I should be a romance novelist...

2006-07-11T03:47:00.000-07:00

According to one of those 'tests', here's what I got:
-------------------------------------------------------

You Should Be a Romance Novelist

You see the world as it should be, and this goes double for all matters of the heart.
You can find the romance in any situation, and you would make a talented romance story writer...
And while you may be a traditional romantic, you're just as likely to be drawn to quirky or dark love stories.
As long as it deals with infatuation, heartbreak, and soulmates - you could write it.

What Type of Writer Should You Be?

--------------------------------------------------------
So, what am I still doing, blogging about everyday mundane stuff....Mills and Boons, here I come!!!!!

Some things don't change....

2006-07-04T07:47:00.000-07:00

She came out of the classroom, fumbling with her bag, and started walking with the other girls to the building complex, which housed the general stores.
“I need to buy a hair oil," said Nishi. “I hope I get Keo-Karpin here.”
“I think they have, I got one last week,” assured Swati.
She was half listening to them, and was hoping she met him. Or, his friends...
She hurried to keep pace with the others and merely glanced at the canteen as they walked past…she thought she could make out some familiar faces, but it was all a blur. If only…
His familiar voice stopped her in her tracks and she almost turned back, stopping herself just in time. Damn, he was talking to someone else. Why doesn’t he call her?
The next thing she did was straight out of a movie. She dropped her umbrella (the essential commodity that all girls carried to college and was almost considered a part of their clothing) and almost tripped over it, and asked her classmates to go on, as she must have dropped her pen too. It took her three times the usual time required to pick up her umbrella, look for some imaginary stuff inside her bag and slowly turn to face him.
He smiled, she gulped. Did he understand what she was feeling suddenly…that the day was suddenly more interesting, more hyper, more …stop it, she told herself, and say something.
“Hi!” Was that all you could manage, you great orator?
“Hello.” Was he passing by already? Sheesh!
“Did you see Rajesh?” Very convenient, but…
“No, any work with him?” Now you are caught buddy.
“No, was just wondering where he is…”
“Anything special?” He had that smirk on his face. Dumbo, you are special!
“Nothing. All set for the exams?”
“Kahan yaar. Let it start, then we attack it…nothing like you girls do.”
She smiled. "As if…"
"As if what?"
"As if we girls are always studying."
"Ok, if you are not, how about joining us for a movie?" Now was that a challenge or an invitation?
“You guys going for a movie today?"
“Yeah, we will leave by 1…show is at 2…what say?”
This thing was getting interesting...if only the others could just disappear at the movie hall...and she could be just with him. "But then...no, forget it...we got to take Jini for her check up to the doctor this evening...so..."
"Oh no..."
"Enjoy yourself." Now turn away before he gets restless...idiot. "Bye then!"
"Not fair, I was hoping you would join me."
She almost turned back and said, "Me too," then stopped herself, just smiled back, and walked away.
She never knew that she was smiling and blushing to herself, all the way back to the hostel...she never knew that the wind was sweeping the yellow leaves and spreading them all around, some on her hair, some on her dupatta....she never even noticed the couples sitting around the lake behind the dispensary...she knew that she would remember the day...all because he said, 'I was hoping you would join me'.
---
She removed her seat belt as the car stopped in front of her office, and took out her identity card. Time over for togetherness, time starts for serious work....
"Can I kidnap you?"
She had almost opened the door by then, but stopped herself. "What?"
"Can I kidnap you and go somewhere else today?" he smiled at her confusion.
"But where?"
"Kahin bhi...what about a movie?"
"And what about my deadline?" She knew she sounded weak...as it is the overcast sky and the wet breeze were already against her decision to go to office.
"How about coming in early tomorrow or even logging in from home tonight?"
"As if..." she bit her lips.
"As if what?"
She flashed a big smile. "As if, nothing!" She re-fastened her seat belts. "Can we go?"

Seven years back someone else had hoped she would go for a movie, though she was not sure whether he was telling the truth then....she had hoped too, and she knew she was telling herself the truth....both hoped for the same thing, but it could not be fulfilled....
Today, he wants to take her to a movie, and she wants to go....when both want the same thing, the moment should be seized - what say?

--
P.S.: For those who came in from Megha's post, this might seem similar...so I can say i might have been meme'd ...I admit...

It's time to give up....

2006-06-29T23:03:00.000-07:00

Well, this is will be the one of those 'firsts' in my blog, i.e. the first list that I will put down in my blog. Should I feel very very excited....maybe.... yawn but I don't....because....god, I am too lazy to even find out why I am not feeling excited...on second thoughts, maybe that's the reason - I am not feeling excited, because I am too lazy to feel excited.
But then whatever, out of sheer laziness, or after days of prolonged debating with * ahem* myself, I have decided to give up the following, at least for now (this disclaimer is very important). This will of course add to another previous list which I had decided to give up long back - like outdoor games (as I was always unsuccessful in them), watching complicated English movies (as I never understood them), etc. Anyways, here goes:

1. I have decided to give up vehement, stubborn fights which ultimately become man vs. woman fights. As one of friend's friend once remarked, way back in 2001, that certain fights should stop, and they included 'man vs. woman fights' and 'Carmel school vs. St. Xavier’s school, durgapur' fights among many more.

The reason for this decision:
Well, for one, they lead nowhere, at least not when you are typing out long replies to someone else’s long replies, as both of us are convinced that we are right and the other one is wrong, and gradually the temper and ego comes in, and we never stop to understand the other's point of view. It becomes a 'debate', no longer a 'discussion'.
It is exasperating, and such fights only make me frustrated about the unseen gap between the sexes...honestly.
Second reason is, I seriously don't think there is anything to fight about, esp. when the topic turns to who is better, stronger, more logical, or anything like competition between the sexes...because frankly, in my opinion, these things cannot be determined...ever. There can be statistics, medical reports, studies...but ultimately what matters is the individual. Both sexes cannot do without each other, and are pretty similar in some ways and pretty dissimilar in some other ways, so what is needed here is more of complementing each other, and less of one-upmanship.
Thirdly...sheesh...I have started arguing again...no...let me end it here - I will give up going on answering others if I find that all that they are doing is trying to prove 'I am better than you as I am a man'.

2. I have decided to give up getting affected by comments aimed at me at other people's blogs, except when I choose to answer them:
Now this decision happened just now, when really I felt helpless. There were 3-4 anonymous commenters, and each one saying something different, and one of them told another commenters to stop listening to 'stupid' my name's comments. Now, how do you convince him that I am not stupid...given the fact that wikipedia's version of stupidity may differ from that of his own...and again differ from mine.
No, we must respect others' opinions and disagree to agree with them...or should it be agree to disagree with them? Ok, whatever, from now on, upbeat is the mood to go, my girl.

3. I have decided to give up trying to fit into clothes made for someone else - someone with a smaller waist than mine, with a better shoulder than mine, with anything different than mine....from now on, either I get clothes which are made for me, or I don't get them...or I get them made for me!!!

4. I have decided to give up fighting for the TV remote till the end of World Cup football...whenever that is:
The reason - isn't it obvious? When you can't win them....leave them....I mean wars and battles and fights.

5. I have decided to give up reading blogs/articles/books and watching movies which depress me, when I am already in a dumb mood, somewhat like when your lunch gets wet by rain water, and then you don't know whom to take out the anger on....yeah...somewhat like that.

6. I have finally decided to give up resistance to being branded - as a feminist, as a man-hater, as a lousy home maker, as a careerist, as a ...well...whatever...will go more into that later. But as of now, people can brand me anything they like, by people it includes, friends, not-friends, cousins, aunts, etc.
At least, there'll be less tension trying to explain.

7. I have decided to give up watching Ram Gopal Verma's movies:
The reason? Well, they get nowhere. They start off well, and the sets are very authentic, as well as the costume, etc., but the moment it comes to a story and the story being good enough for 1.5 to 2 hours....well, the less said, the better.
If I had been a guy, maybe I would have watched a few just to see a heroine in different stages of undress or passing off her undergarments as outdoor clothes but me being a straight woman, have no such intentions...on second thoughts, I never found other guys being much kicked about watching antara mali in 'those' types of clothes.
And no, I am not going to give up entertainment in the name of 'meaningful' cinema. Give me a 'Hum Hain Rahi Pyar ke' anytime compared to 'D' company.

Well, that's that...for the time being.

Anyone else has any other suggestions?

P.S. Just now I realized, that there's one more thing to give up:
8. I am going to give up trying to understand guys...well...yeah...honestly. I have been confused, irritated, angry and frustrated, and ultimately I have realized that it is no use trying to understand men at all...they are enigmas!!! So, peace!!!

Plus sizes, dark circles and rudeness

2006-06-19T09:46:00.000-07:00

I walked into the 'Health and glow' store, dreaming of a flirtation with the foreign brands, face creams and body washes. Unfortunately, the staff of the place had other plans.
"Excuse me ma'am, may I help you?"
"Just looking around," I used my customary reply which I had used so many times before in the hundreds of shopping malls.
"Madam, for you we have something here," the enthusiastic sales girl moved forward with officious zeal and steered me to a shelf. "Madam this is a new product in the market, it removes dark circles in just 2 weeks, they are claiming that otherwise they will give money back madam. And with this we have..."
I had to butt in to dampen her enthusiasm, and I did not mind doing so. Years of hearing such comments have now made me formulate a defensive-cum-offensive approach, to be customized according to the situation. "I am not looking for under-eye creams." My tone was firm and (I hope) polite.
Her smile vanished. "But madam, this will be good for you..." she persisted, albeit with one-fourth of her previous energy.
I instinctively looked at the large mirror on the wall in front of me. "I don't want an under-eye cream." My tone meant, 'Get lost'
"Ok madam, but this was good..."
It was time to get offensive. "Listen, in future, don't try this with anyone else. I am ok with my dark circles and I think they look great. I don't like it that you came to me and pointed them out, just because you need to sell your creams." It could have been more sophisticated, I know, but sometimes you need less tact and more force to get your point across.
There was the usual crowd of other salespeople coming forward to rescue the girl and I stepped out, hoping that they will not curse me too much to the girl and the girl will remember what I told her.

What gives someone, a perfect stranger, the right to point out your physical defficiencies? How would it feel, if someone pushes a fairnes cream towards a dark girl, or a weight reduction pill to a fat one? Though the offender will never understand it as anything else than 'being helpful', this simply makes me feel that the person is implying: 'you are an eyesore, so please improve your appearance so that my eyes can have something better to see.'

A week back, my colleague and friend was approached by our company's security manager at the gym. Hitherto, their interactions were limited to the gym, when she had asked his help to operate the treadmill, or to know if a machine which he had been using, was free for her to use. This day, however, he had a different agenda.
"How many working days does our company have in a week?"
My friend was taken aback. "Five," came her puzzled reply.
"And how many days do you come to the gym?"
My friend blushed. "Well, about three days a week."
Then followed some advice on how it was absolutely essentital to be regular, to attain your fitness objectives. Beats me, I always knew from the web and newspapers, that 3-4 days a week was enough to keep fit, except if you need to reduce weight and my friend was slightly on the heavy side.
I was pretty angry when she told me all this and added, "I am taking it positively."
Well, her approach was fine with me, his was not. In her place, I would have simply asked what prompted him to give me unwanted advice. Was it my size, and if not, then since when had his duties shifted from security to fitness?

How can people take liberties with someone else's dignity? What gives anyone a right to hurt a person's ego?

Last Friday, another friend of mine, who was again a regular patron of the Gia brand of plus size dresses at Westside, accompanied me to a supermarket. When I was weighing 3 dussheri mangoes, there was an old lady who was directly opposite to us, who smiled at her. She smiled back, obviously puzzled, and then I found her eyes fixed onto something, and her face registered disbelief. Moving behind her, I noticed the old lady waving a leaflet towards her with the following words on them:
'If I can lose weight, so can you.'

I suppose all those advice on being well-behaved with elders, drilled into her since her childhood, held my friend back. Or maybe, she was too shocked to speak.

I came away, very disgusted.
Well, these incidents are best forgotten as they will only tend to lower the self esteem. But who will tell a major part of Indian people that certain questions are rude, certain choices are personal and not everyone agrees with you about what is wrong with their nose?
Why don't people understand the difference between being helpful and being rude? Are we so de-sensitized to others?

Romance in the air...with a touch of regret....

2006-06-06T00:22:00.000-07:00

It was a tempting, sexy weather....when we girls stepped out for a walk...it was windy, slightly cold, cloudy and immensely romantic...pointing to an impending romantic evening and a slight sense of regret.
Because you see - evenings should not be ‘romantic’, not when he is not around.
It was nine years back when I first realized that he remembered me when the weather was romantic. Also, it didn’t matter, how the evening was, he always thought that it was romantic if spent with me. I chose to say that it was ‘interesting’ if spent with him. Yet, when the sky became steely grey or when it suddenly cleared away by a gust of cool wind to reveal the blue underneath and the trees were lit up golden, I wished I had someone to share the ‘crazy’ feeling I felt within. This ‘crazy’ feeling, which as is usual for all people in love, is indefinable, and I can only say that it is a feeling which drives you on to make the best of that moment lest it passes away too fast. I am glad he was with me during those times, because he added something extra to my restlessness, when he convinced me that getting drenched in the rain is fun and there’s no one to stop me if I wanted to get drenched…when he let me walk all the small paths which I would not have done if I were alone…when we shared stupid stories from childhood…and counted stars and leaves of trees…
A few more months, or maybe a year later I felt the same as he did. I missed him on ‘romantic’ evenings, and my evenings were ‘romantic’ when I was with him. It is strange how evenings are usually said to be ‘romantic’, nights ‘passionate’ and mornings ‘exciting’…wonder what you call a life – is it a combination of all three and more?
Some years have gone by and I fervently hope that the remaining years of my life will be as special and happy with him as these beginning years. I also fervently hope that evenings are not ‘romantic’, at least not during the weekdays, because I cannot share it with him.
I feel the moment passing away, and it does not pass so fast as I used to think before…it passes slowly, making you regret each second that you cannot share it with each other…I wish then that he did not so totally engulf my life, my senses, my dreams…that everything I think, feel, or dream, revolves round him. Maybe this is called ‘clinging’, or ‘dependency’…that somehow reduces that elusive ‘space’ in a relationship…
Yet, the feeling lingers and surfaces every time the evening is ‘romantic’…I love the feeling, yet I hate the regret, which goes with it…
Evenings should not be ‘romantic’…not when he is not around..

The reservation issue - some links

2006-05-29T05:19:00.000-07:00

The reservation issue is heating up...and though I consider myself an 'active' participant in this issue, I have not written a post of my own...as I was busy assimilating what others have written on different forums, and added a few silly comments of my own there.

So, anyone who is looking to spew venom for or against reservation, do check out these links:

Anshuman's blog

Tanushree's blog

Parenthood...contd.- when do you say 'enough'?

2006-05-29T05:18:00.000-07:00

"We are going to monitor you for 3 months - if till then, the medication works, it is fine, else we go in for laproscopy!!!"
She listened, slightly dazed, slightly indignant, a lot concerned and scared and hoping fervently that the medication works...so that she could become pregnant....
As they walked out of the clinic with the prescribed 'medication' and the outlined dates for the scans (something which had already started to make her feel very humiliated and irritated), her husband started the car and commented, "Listen, I don't want a kid!"
"What? Why didn't you tell me earlier..."
"I never knew it was going to bring you so much trouble, pain...let's jsut forget it...we are happy as we are."
"Let's just see what happens...I am not willing to go for the operation darling...so we'll see these 3 months."
------------------------
End of 1st month:
-----------------
"Well, the progress is not very promising, so next month, we'll go for injected stimulants rather than the oral medication."
She glanced at her husband and found him giving an imperceptible shake of head. As they walked out, he said, taking care to look at the traffic around, "You still think this is necessary?"
"My friends are moms already...my parents are after us...an injection is all it is..."
"First it will be the injection....then the operation....I don't want to lose you...and I don't wnat a kid by hurting you so much."

It hurt....not his comments...but the sharp contrast of his comments with her mother's remarks about her being a cowardly, shaky, person who only cared about her well-being and she was sure, if she ever mentioned this dialogue what her husband said to her mom, the typical reply will be ,"Tell him not to comment on things that he does not understand...these things are necessary to get a child...you are just a cry-baby..."
--------------

Beginning of second month
---------------------------
"Can we think of a shot on your 9th day? Let's check...if everything goes on as expected, then it is fine, else we can think of it..." The doctor was straightforward, compassionate, crisp and oozed confidence and understanding....she felt good talking to her...

On the 8th day night, she wished everythign was fine....9th day however did not being anything path breaking...
The doctor who scanned her, wrapped up in 5 min, as usual, and then they said she could go in for an HSG. As she held out her credit card to pay for the procedure, the doctor esplained that she would be given two injections, mainly campose and some other checmical, then a dye is to be injected into her cervix at high velocity which would open her tubes, the procedure will be 'slightly' painful and she will get pain killers later.
She was dazed, and her hands trembled as she held her medical file and the bill. As they walked to the lift for the 4th floor for the X-ray, she could see that he was agitated. "Do you need to do this? So now you are ready for the injection? Damn!!! This is too bad, I can't see this happening to you."
She tried to steady him. "This is just another diagnosis, not the actual injection which she talked about last month..."
"Ok"
"I think you should leave, aise bhi, they told me that I need to sleep for an hour or so so that the dosage of campose wears off...no use you staying. I'll call you once I am awake and all....if you are free then, will you come to meet me?"
"Sure dear."
---------
It was a painful 1.5 to 2 hours - the two injections and chemical inserted just set the stage for more, and when that came, nothing could hold her back from screaming...it was so painful, especially to almsot dangle from the end of a table and the dye being pumped in and the shot of pain it filled her abdomen with....
"Oh no....please...save me..."
"Are you feeling pain?"
"Lots pain...lots...can you support my foot....can't we stop this...I don't want a baby...just let me go"
----
She apologized to teh doctor later for screaming and she said it does not matter, she will be fine later...gave her some coffee.
As she left the clinic to meet her husband, she was relieved,at least that painful procedure was now out of the way...but what if the next one is more?

She remembered one of her newly-parent male-friend commenting, "You know having a child is such a joy, it makes everything worth it" (Does your wife think so too?)
She said, "well, is it worth hurting or damaging yourself - your self esteem and your body?"
He said, "You are trying to live in the future and forgetting the present"
"Really? I rather feel that I am thinking of the present - that is my hubby and I, my relationship and my health...and thinking if I can ignore the uncertain future - i.e. whether I can have a baby or not, and even if I do, how will he/she turn out?"
He was too high on his recently acquired parenthood to notice these remarks...and she inwardly thanked her stars that she married someone different and much better when it came to being a good husband.

How will she know whether she should stop here and let life take its course?
How much pain, trouble, medicines, injections, operations are enough?
How does one decide the trade-off - society vs personal choice?
How does one know one will not be held guilty for not trying 'enough'?
How much is 'enough'?
When will all these change and when will acceptance set in?

Idle musings on an idle sunday morning....

2006-05-15T02:32:00.000-07:00

I never can understand how people can sleep on for hours on Sunday, that too, in summer, when, the moment it is past 6AM or max 7AM, the bed sheet turns hostile and unfriendly and almost scalding hot. Anyways, as I opened the Sunday paper, I understood that there are more things, which I can never understand like, this article in the TOI, Sunday Timeslife! : 'Girls just wanna have fun!'.
In a nutshell the article was about how girls nowadays are choosing to have sexual relationships, of a few days or months, without emotions and commitment, and how they want to have all the fun they can before they 'settle down' with a guy of their choice or their parent's choice. It saddened me, puzzled me but did not surprise me, because one of my friends had already filled me in about this new 'development' on the social front just a few days back. He was talking about girls who did not want commitment, did not want possessiveness from their boyfriends and were generally happy 'dating', which included sex, among other activities, and in many cases, these girls dated married men too, both sides getting what they want - some company for going out, dinners, coffee, and finally sex, with no strings attached.
When I said that I don't think too highly of such girls, he said, 'Isn't that the trend nowadays?' to which I replied, 'Does that make them more 'respectable'?' to which I would have got the obvious answer that I am a prude and also might have been told 'grapes are sour' if his chivalry had not reared its head at that precise moment.
Which made me realize that I should not comment on things that I don't know about.
Which also made me think why I cannot accept a seemingly 'harmless' pastime which has benefits like both sides becoming confident about themselves, lack of heartbreaks as both sides knew what they were getting into, balancing the power equation between both genders as it is no longer the prerogative of guys to get into a relationship just to be able to get the girl to bed (that did not speak well of the guys anyway), etc. etc. I started to feel that there is a real good reason why poeple don't get up before 9 on sundays, and the reason is that their brains don't start working before that time.
Then, I realized that I was not really a prude but a romantic fool....not sure if being one is better than being the other! What brought about this realization was nothing more important than a small ad on the TV - the ad for the cold drink 'Slice' where they show the guy and the girl growing up together, the guy always up to his pranks which are aimed solely to trouble the girl and finally the guy proposing to the girl by putting the ring into a bottle of Slice and getting being very apprehensive when she looks at him with a question on her face....the smile starts almost imperceptibly....
What's life without these special moments, which touch the heart?
What are a few doses of adrenaline compared to a few moments of warmth like these, which we would like to remember throughout our life and would want to guard as a precious gift?
Do people, girls and guys alike, who are having 'fun' all the while, have any such moments, which they want to remember? Maybe something someone spoke which made the rest of the day pass like a dream? Or some stolen moments while in a group in which you knew that the other person's smiles were solely reserved for you and the others present were no longer important? Or do they have only fun moments, like I do as in partying at a friend's place or an energetic weekend at some water park, which they would want to 'plan' out again?
Worse, is sex, bereft of emotion, really complete if it does not touch all your senses? And if it does touch all your senses, is the relationship still casual - doesn't it promt you to take it up further? Or do you simply refuse to acknowledge what your body tells you because you are in 'no mood to settle down so soon'? Aren't you losing out an opportunity to perhaps 'hold' on to someone just because you had 'decided' that you won't be 'held back'?
For some of course, there is the 'dare' factor, the flouting of social rules, the heady push by rebelling against set norms...I agree. Daring to do something against convention is always a turn-on. So, how about daring to be different from your group and really 'love' a person? How about daring to embark on a life's adventure by getting to know something as precious as a 'person' - what makes him smile, sad, angry and what makes you feel the way you do about him?
Wishful thinking? You bet! But then, if US teenagers can come full circle and start thinking about boring things like emotions, commitment, respect, etc. then Indian teenagers might just be going through what the US teens went through say 20-30 years back...so in another 20-30 years we might see our teens coming full circle....because every race goes through a series of changes, so it should happen for India too, if we are not to become stagnant.
Should stop here, lest my comments become too one-sided....I personally believe opinions need to be given in a way so that they start 'open' discussions, not 'defensive' or 'offensive' ones...:)

Balance - a slightly crazy, utterly bad poem

2006-05-12T01:59:00.000-07:00

Dab on the conditioner, just enough to smoothen the hair,
Measure out the mousse mix, perfect to form a layer
A coat of shoe polish, just enough for the shine,
A tinkle of laughter touching the wine,
Should not be too brash, or too shy,
It need not be the whole truth, but don't lie,
A touch of perfection, slightly careless
Nothing too much, and nothing too less....

Fingers clicking on the willing keyboard,
Time planned for the kitchen and the cutting board,
A few parties to attend, and some quiet time together,
Some gossip, some arguements, some talk about the weather.
Moments of affection, sweet and spicy,
Some warm acquaintances, some very icy....
Start the car, we are ready to go,
Not too fast, not too slow...

Neither too relaxed, as life might pass you by,
Nor too tensed, should have time to say 'hi',
Measured width of smile, or a misting of the eyes,
An equal helping of burger and french fries,
Lightly buttered toast with a low-fat fruit,
Smile for the manager, frown for the recruit,
Not too busy
Not too easy.

Hold on tight, life is changing lanes,
And yet again, there's got to be a balance.......

Parenthood - the already parents

2006-05-10T22:48:00.000-07:00

Reading the comments on my previous post gives me an impression that the readers think that I am against kids.
Well, to clarify, I am not against kids, parents of kids, people who choose to have kids, and any such person who are positive towards 'kidding'. My intention was to simply open up an area which people think as abnormal, that of childless but happy families. Of course, I assumed that the side effect will be to get people to think that kids are not the end of the world, or rather not having one or not choosing to have one, is not the end of the world.
Following which, this also implies, that I am not against kids at all, or spending time and money on them...hell, I would myself have done that if I had any myself (kids, that is), and I know that because I have played a not so small a hand in partly spoiling (as concluded by my mom) my otherwise excellent siblings. But then, I don't want to go down in dumps for not having kids to spoil or take care of.... hope the point is taken.
To continue on the same vein, I have found the reaction of already-parents pretty varied on the same topic.
There was this old friend's wife who asked my husband, just after a couple of hours of acquaintance, about 1 and half years back, 'Aren't you guys planning for kids?'.
My husband was totally confused. As such, he is not very eloquent by nature, and to be 'challenged' by a friend’s wife and that too on such a topic, left him speechless.
Her husband saved the situation by commenting, 'If you have not started planning, then please don't...it is enough headache already with ours, you can take ours if you want!!’
Needless to say, the wife was shocked by the irreverence in the tone.

Going by the general habit of Indians to butt in where they should not, I could have gladly generalized that all parents and especially new parents will always be asking questions like this, and try to propagate baby-making in a big way. I am happy that that's not the case.
Take my best friend for instance. I have not seen a better modern mom so far, but when I was discussing the choice of parenthood, her remarks can be summed up as: 'it is totally your call, and trust me, you should just take a decision and not regret later. And that decision should not affect anyone’s, or at least, not my opinion about what type of a person you are. True, I simply love my son and now I don't know what I would have done without him, but when he was not yet come into the world, naturally, you cannot expect me to yearn for him'
And as for her opinion about the situation of childless couples and her thoughts about adoption, etc. she said, 'When you don't have something, how will you know that you are missing it or not? How can you say that adopting a child is less fun that having one born from yourself?'

A refreshing change, given that, she is a full time mom and a good one at that, whose more than 3-year old son is so besotted with her, that he gifts her small flowers.

Wish I met more like her....

Parenthood - the choice

2006-05-07T10:53:00.000-07:00

Force, fear, blackmail, caustic remarks, taunting hints - no, this is not a saas-bahu serial or a best-seller....these are just some of the many things a couple goes through when they decide to exercise their right to 'choose' thei own time for parenthood.
Indian society is a traditionally inclined society, in which people don't marry, they are married. And the reason or expectations from marriage is the same on both sides - a heir or an off-spring to carry the bloodline forward(as if it matters so much if bloodlines are carried forward or not and as if every family has a legacy to pass on) , or to look after the parents when they are old (as if so many kids do that nowadays), or to bridge the gap between the parents (let's face it - if there's a gap, it is likely to widen after a kid is born due to added stress and responsibilites) or....or...well, a hundred reasons to have a child and almsot none against it. Most of my colleagues at office get married to women who are still studying, so that as soon as they complete their studies, they can be mothers or evn before that, and within a year of marriage, they are parents. Spouses get time to know each other during the nine months of pregnancy and at the end of it, start to realize how good or bad a parent they can be. So, a wife knows a husband as a lover for the first one month, the would-be father for the next 9 months and a father afterwards, and maybe never know how they will react to each other when the husband's family and the children are not present.
If there's a difference in this routine, then start the questions, first the immediate family, i.e. the spouses' parents and siblings and then the relatives, friends, neighbours and any and everyone who have an unwritten stake in the affair -wait a minute, in what way do they have a stake? Don't ask me, that is one of life's mysteries I am yet to solve. but, to sum up, anyone or everyone who know the couple directly, or indirectly, have a lot of questions as to 'Why the couple is not starting a family.' Conclusions range from the wife being barren (something msut be wrong with her), the husband being impotent (kya mard hain, abhi tak ek aulad nahin payda kar saka - what a man, can't even make his wife pregnant), the couple being incompatible, the relationship being doomed or being under the evil eye to a current conclusion - that the girl msut be too ambitious about her career.
That brings me to another doubt - why do they 'starting a family' only when couples plan kids or are expecting a kid? Don't a couple constitute a family themselves? Are children absolutely necessary for a family to be called a family? So what happens to a couple who never have kids - are they never a 'family'? According to some that might be normal, according to me, it is gross injustice.
The choice of having kids should ideally depend on the parents, i.e. the spouses. However, in our country, everyone else has a say in the matter...sadly. No one seems to respect this bit of personal decision/choice between the husband and the wife. Everyone seems to want to know the reason behind choosing not to be a parent (no one is bothered to know why anyone chooses to be a parent). Even in a train journey or any moment of brief acquaintance, people will ask you if you have kids, if the answer is 'no', then the next question will be how many years have you been married, and if the period of marital bliss is longer than a year or maximum two years, some people give you strange looks or will then ask the next, and proabbly the rudest question of the three, 'then why no kids yet?' or worse, 'aren't you planning for kids then?' and if this answer is 'no', then the next question, 'why not? Don't you think you should have some?' This might sound far fetched, but it is true. I have heard it from my new neighbour, my maid, my co-passenger in train, my college friends with whom I am hardly in touch (surprisingly all male friends ask this questions, females don't) and my mom's colleagues back home, not to mention the usual relatives and of course, my own parents for the alst two questions.
In short, the choice of having or not having kids is not personal in India, it is a community choice. People are married expecting them to be parents within a year, using contraceptives, especially non-natural ones like condoms or pills are out of question, husbands are scared to be proved eunuchs if they can't impregnate their wives, wives are taught to be dutiful wives since childhood when they get their menstruation or even before and asked to be ready to be impregnated after marriage, and over all, everyone is told that parenthood or most importantly, motherhood is the greatest thing that can happen to a woman...correction, married woman...though they don't say so in the posters in a gynaecologists clinic.
The society then has two types of couples - couples who have kids and couples who choose not to have kids...or this might very well be the vision conjured by my troubled mind. In between there are also couples who can't have a child due to several medical reasons, but these couples should then either invite sympathy, so that the whole society feels for them or put up a brave face and be treated with contempt. Needless to say, sympathy is better than contempt, so though most couple can focus on the happy side of not having a child, they choose to tell people 'we are so sad...' In most cases,the only sadness might just be due to their contemporaries becoming parents and their own parents bugging them by giving these cases as examples. In most cases, it is more like a failure to achieve something than like 'an emptiness without a meaning in their existence', because frankly, children are not the only reason for existence of marriage.
Oops that sounds so cold-blooded, but I never said that these posts will be dripping with compassion. This is turning out to be a long post, so, got to end this here, so that I have more material left for the next few parts. Got to end with what my college junious said a few days back when we asked each other -thinking of kids? She said, 'well, right now, we two(husband and wife) are very happy with each other, and really don't want to become baby-producing machines yet', some statement, which, when conveyed to one of my bosom friends, got me the comment, 'well, I don't mind the mechanism of making babies, it is jsut that I am not ready to get the end-products yet'.
And perhaps she never would be - does that make her inhuman, unwomanly or selfish? If so, then the dictionaries need to be changed, seriously....

Parenthood - the series

2006-05-07T10:39:00.000-07:00

The introduction - what makes me write on this topic:
-----------------------------------------------------
To those who might read this blog, this has got nothing to do with tips on parenthood, or how to be an ideal parent, or my experiences as a parent, this is but somewhat the prelude to actual parenthood - what happens when anyone chooses to be a parent, whether we really have that choice, whether having or not having a choice matters to anyone or specifically to me and what anyone like me can be sure of facing when you are not a parent at the 'right' time...ironically there is nothing like 'before' time, at least not in India.
This is a topic which is slightly more personal to me than the others so far, but owing to my age, which has triggered off questions/expectations/misgivings about my parenthood (or lack of it), this is now something I feel strongly about....strongly enough to last two weeks of arguements, banter or in-depth discussions with my girlfriends. So, thought of starting a series of blogs on it, and now trying to group my thoughts within a few topics. I hope I manage to pack all I want to say within these topics, if not, there can always be 'miscellaneous' or 'others' or 'supplement'....
The posts might sound irritating, repetitive and long, but so have been the experiences, and in my defence I can only say that I am not alone in this situation. So, here's to glouting of rules and a cynical look at the 'preparation to parenthood'...

Something trivial...almost backdated

2006-05-04T01:50:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I posted...what with the Ooty trip in between, when i was eagerly waiting for photos to be uploaded, so that I could write about it with photos and all that...however, the sync problem reared it's head, and so by the time the photos arrived, my writing urge and skills had left...waited to get them back, but it was a long wait.
It was then that, two days back, I noticed something on the road, something so trivial, that it feels I must be having a very good concentration on the road and very little around, to notice it.
We were in front of Ohri's, Banjara after a late dinner, and it was around midnight.
We were waiting for our car to be brought by the valet, when this Honda City stopped in front of us, and a guy, who must be in his 20s got down from the back seat. From the front passenger seat, a face showed up of a boy of about 12 or 13 and he put out a hand with a note on it, assumedly of 500 rs. and said, 'Ja, mutton biryani leke aa'.(Go, get some mutton biryani)
The guy turned back, took the money, and smiled, almsot asked a question, to which the teenager repeated, 'Bola na, mutton biryani leke aa'(Didn't I tell you to go get some mutton biryani? - slightly more aggressive this time).
It then struck me that the guy-of-back-seat must be a servant working in this guy-in-the-front-seat's place, which you would not have guessed by his dress.
What also struck me was how he was addressed by someone half his age - with no respect at all. What if the guy were this teenager's brother? Would he have dared to order him in such an offhand way? Is it too far-fetched to hope that the teenager will show at least a fraction of that respect to this guy, by virtue of his age?
Peeping a bit, I found that the driver was a lady, assumedly the teenager's mother, who was then talking into her cell phone. Well, a modern and independent mom, pretty affluent, but bringing up a son without one of the basic lessons of life - respect begets respect.
When we were a kid, and even now, I have found moms telling their kids to address the servant as mama, kaka(remember raamu kaka?), dada or bhaiyya i.e. like a family member. Whatever happened to those small old-fashioned gestures?

As I said, it was trivial, maybe not even worth blogging about. But it is certainly worth thinking about.....

Eclipse - effects and after-effects

2006-04-12T00:36:00.000-07:00

It all started with Tanu blogging about an eclipse.

Or maybe it all started when I watched a complete eclipse, in all its gorgeous, stunning splendour and was asked to eat while watching it, just to counteract the belief that one should not eat during an eclipse. If others are asking me if there is anythign wrong with me after eating during an eclipse, I'd say, except for a stronger belief against the illogical superstitions during eclipse, I have had no side effects. My stomach, used to the hostel food and water, has not yet complained against me for feeding it when sunny-uncle was being overshadowed (literally) by the lunar disc.

Whatever it is, the comments at the blog do suggest that there are still people who live with their minds closed, and there are some people who desperately try to justify closed minds with heavy-duty information from the internet, without looking for the implications.

The underlying fight remains the same as it is for questioning any old tradition - constant vs change, assumptions vs evidence, belief vs sheer logic and finally: blind acceptance vs thoughtful conclusions.

It depends on which side anyone is - no, not in a mere eclipse arguement, but in any arguement which questions pre-conceived notions.

Of Blanknoise project and two ads

2006-04-11T23:34:00.000-07:00

'This women's day was special, because my friend told me about the blanknoise project.
Interestingly, within a few days, when those blogs were still fresh in my memory, I came across two ads on the TV, being played over and over as fillers during the India-England cricket matches. It could have been completely unrelated, if it were not for the fact that I was thinking about the (ambiguously named) eve-teasing issue, and had a lot of questions in my head.

The first ad was the quite obvious coca cola ad with Aishwarya Rai being whistled at. Personally I have never admired Aishwarya Rai, but the ad, well, at the risk of sounding stupid and being impressed by triviality, I must admit, I liked the ad. The ad goes somewhat like this:
Ash walks past, clad in a demure salwar-suit, with a group of other college girls, and one among the group of guys sitting at the corner whistles at her after commenting on her figure. She turns back, asks who it was, and the guy proudly proclaims that it was him (asli mard kabhi nahin darte yaaron). Instead of slapping the guy, she makes fun of him.
First, she says that the whistle was too bad, sounded like a tired pressure cooker cooking dal. Then, she gives them samples of other whistles:
a) 'Jab ladki se sunna ho karari si gali, toh aise siti bajate mawali ' - which means, you can whistle like this, but only if you are ready to be blasted verbally.
b) The second sample is to be used, if you would like to be slapped with sandals
c) The third one, if you don't want to be rude, is a very mild tune, almost like a flute with a coke bottle.
The endline sums it up, 'Ab faisla aapki kyunki aakhir hawa hain aapki' (Of course, if the breath is yours, you need to decide how to use it albeit for which type of whistling).
As she leaves, the guy who whistled is already red-faced.
Some say, the ad trivializes eve teasing, others say, she doesn't really do anything, thereby encouraging the eve-teasers.

To all groups, I say, it's a start. It is a soothing way to handle an irritating situation, and in the process, winning friends too....

Which brings me to the next ad, the Indica Ad.
It has a group of four supposedly hot girls in cute short things driving down to a beach, when they stop beside a guy in colourful cargos and ask him 'if he knows a hottie who can get naughty with them and help them rub sun tan oil on their bodies'. The guy, not taking the hint, tells them that they can try the beach cafe. The girls smirk and drive away, and the backgroud music says that the guy was dumb not to take up the offer.

Women empowerment?
Gender equality and sexual freedom?
Or just a blatant stereo-typing of the male psyche?

Imagine the scenario where roles are reversed:
There are four sexy men in the indica which pull up beside a cute girl in a swimsuit or even denims and the guys give her the same hints. The girl shrugs it off...will you call her dumb?
You would probably call her smart......intelligent.....playing safe....or even a woman with a mind of her own.

So, are men supposed to be this high-on-adrenaline animals who will grab (forgive the pun) any opportunity to paw girls? And if they don't, are they dumb? Aren't they suppsoed to have a choice where sex is concerned?

In all probabilities, this was intended to be a fun ad, and I am sure I am just giving it more importance than it deserves, but hey, I have a strong reason...I am bitten by that blanknoise project bug....and my millitant feminism is making a strong comeback to the forefront....only it is not really saying 'all men are animals and are to be kept away for a world full of happy women'....which is making me think...as usual.

New meanings, new mentality....

2006-03-27T00:21:00.000-08:00

Overheard at a small restaurant in Madhapur, which is frequented by people working in HITEC City:
--
Person 1: "Hyderabad is such a boring place yaar....no one even whistles at girls here. At my hometown, we used to have great fun doing that!"
(Very matured...and for those with his level of maturity, this was pun intended)

Person 2: "Yeah, real boring. And have you seen the people, they seem to be too interested in you. IWhat I used to love at Mumbai, you know, was that no one used to care what is happening to you. Here, even if you get a bit hurt on the roads, there's a big crowd gathering, I really hate it!!!"
(Wondering what he would say if he got 'seriously' hurt rather than a 'bit' and there is no one stopping to take him to the hospital)

Person1: "Really, everyone should be left alone to be independent. Now, that is why I like working in my company (name not disclosed). You know, working in it has really made me independent. I don't care about others and I don't need help also."
(Independent means not caring about others? Well, maturity....)

--
To each his own? Or would I have stepped in and questioned their beliefs?

Lots of questions....to myself, to everyone...with a tinge of self-doubt....

Here I start....

2006-03-19T22:32:00.000-08:00

Like other things, the most difficult thing to do, is to start something (except if it is a short story, in which case, the most difficult part would be the ending). Anytime I start to write something, the first problem I face is to decide the topic, and the heading....which does not mean that I don't face other problems later, but mostly, it takes me a long long time to decide the name/topic/heading.
But why am I explaining all this? Well, simply to explain to myself (till someone else takes the trouble to read my blogs), why I have not started a blog before. The list of excuses include:

1. Could not find a topic
2. Did not know how to do it - being technically challenged.
3. Could not symchronize the sudden rush of thoughts, the willingness of the fingers to type and the availbility of a blogging place.
4. Was shy about others reading my thoughts (yes, thoughts, though one of my friends say that women can't think)
5. Was plain lazy.

But then, it is better to write something and let those thoughts come out somewhere than unleash them on an unsuspecting husband at dinner or colleagues at lunch. For most part, it will prevent dinner spats, and reduce my husband's blood pressure if he is not expected to listen attentively to the random musings of his 'philosophical' wife. It might even take away the tag of 'talking too much' from my name...what rosy dreams.
So, here I start....